2011 - The Summer of Sweeney (Plus my missteps in love and career)

So. Wow. It's been a while since the last time I updated this thing. A lot has happened since May. It's been kind of a wild and crazy summer...in some ways, life changing, even. The summer literally blew by and now I'm left wondering, wow, did that all really happen? Yes, it did.

Let's see...a week after I last posted (Memorial Day weekend), I fell in the pool while chasing after my dog Peanut (scraped & bruised myself up reeeal nice), I went to the flea market with one of my new friends from Spelling Bee and the friend I reconnected with (the one with the hot cousin, we'll call her A) invited me to her house. Flea market was fun, I had gotten a lot of good stuff, and I had a good time catching up with my friend, CM. I go over to A's house later that afternoon in a cute sundress (cuts and scrapes from my bad fall in the pool bandaged up as best I could), bathing suit and towel in tow and who's there but Hot Cousin. Greeeeeeat. Of course, he remembered me. It was only slightly awkward. Swimming, lots of food, bocce, trampoline, booze....it was good times. Her friends were cool, especially since I was kind of crashing the after-party of a birthday party A had thrown for one of them. We ended up all meeting up again later in the evening to go see The Hangover II. Of course, I was hoping something would happen between me and Hot Cousin. Of course, it didn't. He was real chummy with one of the girls, we'll call her Lola. I later found out the dirt from A when we were driving to Jersey for the NKOTBSB concert that Lola and Hot Cousin used to be an item way back when and had hooked up the night of the party. Oh, well. That got me over that fast.

The biggest event of Summer '11 was Sweeney Todd. Back in March, I had found out that I had been cast in Musicals at Richter's production of Sweeney Todd...little did I know I was going to fall in love with Sweeney Todd. Both literally and figuratively. Yup. Not only did I fall in love with Sondheim's lush, gorgeous, complex and utterly insane score, I also fell in love with our leading man. I know what you're thinking, here we go...it's like Army Musician Guy (aka Sky Masterson in Guys and Dolls) all over again. That's where you'd be wrong. If things had gone in a different direction (namely, if I gotten the kick-ass internship with Martha Graham Dance Company I was up for and went to Spain), there's a very good chance I would've ended up quitting the show. But it didn't go that way. Never in a million years did I ever think I'd end up falling for a guy like J. All the more reason my personal motto is "Never Say Never." I have now done a lot of things in my 27 years that I said that I would never do. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I wasn't even that excited about Sweeney Todd...the show I really wanted to get into was Gyspy, but after a disastrous audition where I royally screwed up "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend," I was given a second chance to sing a "legit" musical theater selection and I just so happened to have "Tonight" from West Side Story in my back pocket. That second song got me the spot in the ensemble of Sweeney Todd. After seeing Gypsy, in hindsight, I realized the only part I could have possibly played was Gypsy...and even that would've been a stretch, I probably look a bit too old to play a young teenager. Also, the ensemble in that show did not have an awful lot to do, nor did the ensemble of Oliver!, which I couldn't audition for due to conflicts. Anyway, on with the story.

I met J on the first day that I was scheduled to go to rehearsal, back in early May. I was walking from the golf course parking lot to the Richter Arts Association house where our rehearsals were held. He was walking just ahead of me but stopped to introduce himself. Immediately, I thought "too short, too old, probably gay...but he seems nice." I learned he was playing Sweeney, so I assumed "ok, so he can sing." At rehearsal, I'm sitting there cursing under my breath as I'm learning the insane soprano part, he catches my eye, laughs and makes faces at me. Later, when I hear him sing solo...WOW. Yeah, he can sing, alright. He's got this rich, powerful baritone that makes me weak in the knees. And he sings with such passion. I was impressed...this unassuming guy with this crazy voice.

Anyway, we were friendly, but we didn't become BFF's right away. I knew a few people from Carousel last summer, but most of these people were total strangers to me. I got along with them all just fine, but the real bonding didn't begin until later. I remember I came to rehearsal a few minutes early one day and I was in a bad mood for one reason or another (I don't recall why, most likely lack of sleep or a fight with my mother or I was super busy taking care of my father or something) but I'm not one of those people who can easily hide their emotions (I "wear my heart on my sleeve"). He noticed and went out of his way to make me laugh. I don't even entirely remember what was said, I just remember being at the Melrose School for rehearsal and him saying something to make me laugh. Which brings me to another thing...he's probably one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life. Not only does he have this crazy voice, but he's also got genius comedic timing and great facial expressions.

The real turning point, though, was this one day (after I had some car trouble) my dad had taken his car back to the place in Brewster where it had got towed that time it over-heated on me. They had to do some major fixing, but anyway, I had rehearsal over in CT so I dropped Lauren (my sister) and Dad off to get the car and I headed over to Danbury early to grab some lunch and coffee before rehearsal. I went into Starbucks, ordered a sandwich and a frappacino, and then sat down to eat and study/listen to my music for the show. I had just finished my sandwich and I was about 3 songs in when my stupid ancient iPod died on me. I had a charger thing in my car for it, so I decided to pack up my stuff and head out to my car to do some more listening. I never made it to the car because just as I passed the booth near the front, I heard someone calling my name. It was J sitting by himself with a cup of tea or coffee. So I said hello and sat myself down. We started chatting about the show and how crazy the music was and how Sweeney was J's dream role. I told him about what roles I had played so far and what my dream roles were (Cassie or Sheila in A Chorus Line, Maria or Anita in West Side Story). It was weird (but not) and I wasn't positive, but it felt like he was trying to flirt with me a little bit. "Ok, so he's not gay." I got confirmation later - from that rehearsal on, he would tease me and flirt with me. Sometimes, he'd find an excuse to come sit by me and bug me. One day, I realized that I didn't mind. I actually liked it. And I liked him. I liked him? What the heck? He's 41 years old, 5'6", Jewish, and divorced. I'm a 27 year old shiksa who's 5'9" and perpetually single. On paper, it makes no sense and yet...when he sings, it makes me weak in the knees, he's probably one of the funniest people I'll ever know, he's just as passionate (if not moreso) about theater as I am and takes it seriously, he's smart, sensitive, driven...of course I liked him. One night, after running the show, he came over and randomly hugged me during notes and I felt all...tingly. It scared me a bit. I thought, ok, I'm a whore for talent, it's just a crush - I'll get over it. I found out stuff about him - about his divorce, about how he used to be very overweight and worked super hard to lose a lot of weight before Sweeney. It just made me admire him more and I thought he was actually cute. After a crazy tech week and only running the full show with the "box of death" once, we opened. People seemed to love it and it was going well...though we died every night from the heat. (We got rained out our official opening night, but the rest of the run was great). I found that I was in a good mood for no reason a lot of the time. I'd listen to songs from the show and sing along to every word on the days in between performing. But mostly, I just couldn't wait until the next performance. What the heck? I can be a cheerful person, but I'm not normally THAT cheerful. Usually, I'm sick to death of the show music by the time we get to performing, but this time, I couldn't get enough. And I adore the cast and crew, but why am I so eager, not only to do the show, but to get to the theater as early as possible? Oh. My. God. I wanted to get to the theater early so that I could see J because I had fallen in love with him. It was agony. I mooned about like Orsino in Twelfth Night.



**Author's note: it's December 11th and I'm finally finishing/updating this.**

I was in trouble. Long story short...lots of flirting both in person and over facebook chat. Final night of the show, after being so focused and disciplined with diet, exercise, rehearsals, etc. he went kind of nutso and drank entirely too much. I was one of the last to leave his after-party...I had come to the conclusion that nothing was going to happen. I checked in on him the day after the party and we agreed to hang out again. A couple of weeks later, mid-August, we met up and saw the final Richter show of the season (Oliver!) together. I was so nervous and I wasn't sure if it was a date for the longest time, but evidence points to yes, it was. Seeing an outdoor show (he whispered hilariously snarky comments in my ear the whole time) with a picnic dinner (veggies, hummus, crackers, cheese, wine, fruit, and chocolate), crashing the cast party, then a good-bye kiss turning into a make-out session? (Plus he hinted at wanting me to come home with him...I didn't, but I was tempted.) Unless I'm mistaken, that's a date. I didn't hear from him again for a while. I played it cool. Eventually I gave in and messaged him a week later. He had been looking for someone to go see a new musical in the New York Musical Theatre Festival in the city and I told him that I would go....but only if he wanted me to. He said of course he did and we set a date to see the show in mid-October. End of August, there was an earthquake and I had surgery on my other knee (tore the meniscus in my right knee). He liked a few of my statuses on facebook, but I didn't hear from him too much during the month of September while I was recovering.


Fast-forward to October. A week before our scheduled 2nd date (?), I decided to go to Stamford to see a couple of friends in another production of Sweeney. I went the same night that he did...I wasn't stalking, I asked him what night he was going and I said I'd see him there if I could get a ticket. We hung out with our friends at the bar next to the theater after the show. He had come with our friend BW and she was supposed to give him a ride home, but he cornered me at the end of the night (I ended up staying there really late and I had a long ride home) and asked me if I wanted to come home with him. I said "are you sure you wanna do this?" "Yeah." So he told BW that I was giving him a ride home and he showed me how to get to his apartment. Once there, we talked for a while and watched some TV. There was also some cuddling and making out on the couch. He then suggested we go to bed. And that's what we did. We slept. Nothing else happened. I was waaaaay confused/disappointed. There was a bit more cuddling and making out the next morning, but again, nothing happened. We had coffee, he took me out to breakfast, we watched some more TV and then I finally went home later that afternoon.

A week later, came date #2 (?). I agreed to meet him in Stamford and we took the train into the city together. The ride down was fun, the show was great, he took me out to a fabulous dinner afterwards (I bought him a drink). I had a great time, the conversation was easy and flowed...but there was no hand holding or any little romantic gestures like that. When we got back to Stamford, he once again invited me up to his apartment (I was prepared with an overnight bag this time, just in case). We finished a movie we had started watching the week before and he showed me the very first episode of Twin Peaks and it blew my mind. No cuddling, no making out, and he kinda sorta kicked me out, saying he had to get up early the next morning. I kissed him goodbye and told him to call me. Needless to say, I didn't hear from him. I was really upset and sort of depressed for a while. It was hard, but I managed not to talk to him for a whole month. I wanted to just distance myself and get over it. It happened again...I opened myself up, revealed too much, too soon and ended up hurt. Just as I was starting to feel better, he messages me the day before Thanksgiving: "Happy turkey day linds! Let's hang again soon ok? Sorry I've been so out of touch." All I could say was thanks and congrats on getting into his latest show. It's been 2 1/2 weeks since then and I haven't heard a word. Ugh. I hate that this keeps happening. I don't deserve this crap. Clearly, he doesn't like me as much as I like him if he can only be bothered messaging me once a month. Not even calling, but facebook messaging. Gaahh. I give up. I'm attracted to guys with major baggage who like to walk all over me...this is a problem.

And my dry spell continues...2 1/2 years and counting. On the positive side, Summer of Sweeney brought me a little closer to my friend JG from Carousel and I met Jules, BW, and Barb, all of whom I now love to pieces.


On a sad note...the last week of October was a tough one. I heard about 4 deaths...the brother of a co-worker, the grandmother of a family friend, the aunt of a theater friend, and Army Musician Guy. Yeah. It came as quite a shock. I found out through facebook almost a month after it happened. He died in a car crash at the end of September. He was only 30. I couldn't believe it. It hit me hard - he was the last guy I had feelings for (and the last guy I slept with). The only good thing I can say is that with him, I had a sense of closure. I had really liked him and he hurt me, but he eventually realized what he did and apologized for the way he treated me. I had no bad feelings, no regrets. He was a good guy, really talented and easy on the eyes, but he was troubled. He was taken too soon.

Also in October, I was on a roll. In 4 weeks, I went on 3 interviews...I didn't snag any of the jobs. It's now December and I haven't had an interview since. In recent months, I have discovered that 2 girls I went to college with have managed to find arts administration jobs like I have been going after for some time now. The one thing they have that I don't? A master's degree in Public Administration. So I am determined. I am in the process of applying to a few different Performing Arts Management and Public Administration Master's programs in addition to my job search. I'm going to make 2012 my year if it kills me. I'm going to get into grad school and I'm going to get an awesome job. And eventually, I will find love.

Just sayin

Dear Single Men between the ages of 25 -30,

Just because I am of a certain age does NOT mean that I am on the hunt for a husband. I have had one serious relationship in my entire life (ok, 27 years, I'll own up to it) and I'd really like to do again sometime soon. "Serious" meaning monogamous....meaning that I care for the guy, want to hang out with him, do stupid things with him, go on adventures with him, have hot sex with him, maybe even love him. It does not mean that I'm looking to steal him away from his boys and cut off his balls as a trophy. It does not mean that I want to move into his apartment and take over his life. It means that I am tired of hooking up and screwing around. I'm tired of the game playing and the leading on. I still live with my parents and I only work part-time...no, that does not make me a lazy, spoiled princess who's looking for a rich man to marry. I'm ambitious and hard working...I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and support myself before I start supporting a family. I'm online everyday sending out my resume and I've been going on interviews on a fairly regular basis for a few months now. My family's been going through a rough time and I've been helping out a lot. But anyway....before I even think about walking down the aisle, I want an awesome job that I'm proud of, I want to travel the world and experience life! I'm not clingy, codependent, or bitchy. I'm a girly girl, but not so girly that I can't kill bugs. I like beer, baseball, and action movies almost as much as I like champagne, ballet, and chick flicks. I love spending time with a guy, but I also love girl's night out and I need my "me" time. I think I'd make a pretty kick-ass girlfriend if given the chance and any guy would be lucky to have me. In conclusion, I'm not looking for someone to buy me a ring - if I really wanted one, I'd save up and buy it myself. I'm not looking to be rescued. I'm looking for a boyfriend, plain and simple. Oh yeah, and that cup of coffee I asked you to come get with me? It's a cup of coffee, not a marriage proposal!

Sincerely (God forbid I use the "L" word and freak you out),

Lindsay

Cinderella can't win...not this time.

Let's see...since last I blogged, here's what's been happening:

- Last summer, I was in a production of Carousel with a group called Musicals at Richter in Danbury, CT. It was a lot of fun doing outdoor theater and I made a bunch of new friends.

- Remember that knee injury? I ended up needing surgery on my left knee (torn ACL) and spend 4 months doing physical therapy. I was given the OK to start working out again in January, but I have yet to try a dance class. I do the treadmill, elliptical, bike, weight machines and I recently took up Pilates (which I love, even if I feel like passing out/throwing up for half the class). I tried taking Zumba, but it must be too intense because my knee swelled up on me afterwards.

- In the fall, while I was still recovering from my knee surgery I did a musical review with Spotlight. They let me sing stuff like "In My Own Little Corner" from Cinderella and "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story. It was fun.

- A few years ago, an old friend found me on Facebook and when I was looking for someone to go see Disney's Beauty and the Beast when they re-released it in theaters this past October, she offered to go with me. We got together for brunch before the show and caught up on each other's lives and had a lot of fun. Shortly after, she told me that her dad's security company needed help in the office and she asked me if I was interested in working for him part-time. I wasn't in a position to say no, so I took it. I'm glad that I did - I'm bringing in a (very) small but steady income and we've become good friends again - not only do we talk at work, we hang out outside of work. We went out for her birthday (New Year's Eve - more on that later), went to a party together, went out to see a co-worker's band play, and she even talked me into road-tripping to Jersey with her to try out for Simon Cowell's new show The X Factor. This summer, we'll be going to see New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys in concert and we'll be seeing Rent when it returns to Off-Broadway...it's gonna be awesome.

-A friend talked into auditioning for Spotlight's production of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. I didn't get the role I wanted (they put me in with a chorus of rejected spellers instead) and suckered me into doing most of the choreography. I really do have a hard time saying "no." It's terrible. And the same thing keeps happening - the company keeps doing shows meant to be done with a small cast and expanding them to include an ensemble...even though the ensemble isn't given much to do. I didn't have the most fun ever - it was kind of a pain in the ass. Fortunately, the cast was talented and fun so that made it bearable.

-At the same time that Spelling Bee was going up, my father had bilateral knee replacement surgery. As a result, there was more responsibility put on me - you don't realize how much someone does until you have to do without them...I'd have to worry about taking care of the dogs, doing the laundry, taking out the garbage, doing the dishes (among other things) while working part-time, job hunting, going on interviews and rehearsing for/performing in a show. He spent about 10 days in the hospital (he had complications) and then another 10 days or so in a rehab facility. He just came home today and is now resting comfortably in his brand-new recliner.

-Update: May 23rd. Dad's done with Coumadin clinic (yay!) and has been going to outpatient physical therapy for a few weeks. He's walking a little better (using just a cane) and no longer needs help doing things like going to the bathroom and taking a shower. He even does simple chores like folding, some cooking (on the grill) and the dishes. Still, I have the dogs, the garbage, the laundry and I'm his chauffer. Things have calmed down, but only a bit. I've been feeling like Cinderella, pre-fairy godmother.

- During the last weekend of Spelling Bee, I had some car trouble. The brakes on my car had been making a terrible scraping noise, so I decided to take my dad's car which had been sitting idle in the driveway. I start to drive towards the theater in Croton Falls and a few minutes into the trip, the check engine light comes on. I don't think too much of it and decide to just check on it when I get to the theater. A few minutes later, the check gauge light comes on and the gauge starts going up and down like crazy. I slowed down a bit and it stopped going so nutty. Then the check battery light came on. I knew this couldn't be good, but I wanted to just get my ass to theater before I worried about the car. I made it all the way to my exit, when steam started coming out of the hood of my car! I was only 2-3 minutes from my destination, but I had to pull over. A good samaritan fireman popped my hood for me once the engine was off and the steam stopped - he said it looked like my engine overheated and the belt looked broken. After panicking for a bit, I calmed down and called AAA. I lied a bit and told them that I didn't feel safe and that it was kind of an emergency. I was already running late and super worried that I wouldn't make it in time for the show. The repair guy with the tow truck came just in the nick of time and took the car to his shop in Brewster - it was too expensive to tow it all the way home. I called one of my friends at the theater to come pick up and in just 15 minutes, I was dressed and ready for the show. To get home later, I hitched a ride with friends of a friend who were heading back up to Dutchess County. I didn't tell my mother til later because I didn't want her freaking out on me. Eventually, I pulled it together and did the right thing. Both cars got fixed eventually and I took my sister's car the next day.

-As for the job thing, I've been on lots of interviews in the past year, but I have yet to clinch a job. I have interviewed with and have been rejected from: Lincoln Center, Youth America Grand Prix, The Metropolitan Opera (twice...for the same position!), American Ballet Theatre (3 hours round trip of getting down there - interview lasted 10 minutes!), The Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival, and The Martha Graham Dance Company, among others. The Martha Graham rejection really hit me hard...I would've been a paid Production Intern and I could've gone on tour with the Company to Spain, not to mention it could've led to a permanent job as an assistant stage manager. The interview went really well and I thought had gotten along well with the girl I had talked to. I was so excited, I went and got my passport and everything, just in case. I wanted it sooo badly....it must have come down to me and another person because on the day I thought I was going to get a yes or no answer, I got an e-mail with more questions instead. I answered the questions to the best of my ability, but in the end I didn't get it. I cried the day my passport came in the mail. I'm currently up for a part-time Box Office Associate job at The Bardavon (a little closer to home) - I've had two interviews, we'll see what happens. I've decided that if I don't get another job in the next couple of months, I'm going to start studying for the GRE's and apply to grad school (for real this time - no half-assed applications right before the deadline that go nowhere). It's been 2 years now since I lost my job at The Blue Book - I'm sick of being poor and mooching off of my parents.

-For the most part, my love life has been on hold for the last few months. I even deactivated my OK Cupid profile. I've been trying to concentrate on my career and helping my family out. Last July, I got a random apology from Army Musician Guy for trying to put me in a "friends with benefits" situation. I haven't heard from him since. Good riddance...in the end, A) he had TONS of issues/baggage and B) he's a douche bag for leading me on for as long as he did.

Anyways...on New Year's Eve, I went out with the friend I had reconnected with (it was also her birthday). I met her REALLY hot cousin who was newly single. He was exactly my type...tall (about 6'2, 6'3) and broad shouldered with dark hair and a killer smile. I made eyes at him all evening and finally, about twenty minutes befor midnight, the two of us were standing alone near the bar. He bought me a drink, we got to talking and he seemed like a really charming, funny, nice guy. (According to my fuzzy memories, we both love Michael Jackson and there was some commiseration over heartbreak and hard times). We were both looking forward to 2011 as being a new beginning. Midnight came around, I went in for a hug and next thing I knew, we were kissing. It was kind of magical. I spent the remainder of the night (on and off) dancing with him and we kissed a couple more times. When my friend wasn't looking, I gave him my number. I didn't go home with him or anything, but we stayed up late sending each other flirtatious texts. He texted me again the next morning to say how much fun he had and to apologize if I thought he was too forward (I didn't). I waited a week and when I didn't hear from him, I texted him to say hello. I used this opportunity to (boldly, I guess) ask him out for a cup of coffee. He seemed interested, but (like my friend had told me) he had just gotten out of a relationship that had ended badly, so he was in no hurry to start dating again, but he said it would happen. Long story short - it didn't happen. Fast forward to May - I hadn't heard from him since January, but I thought about him and New Year's Eve a lot. The other night, I "accidently-on-purpose" texted him something random and innocuous...at first, he was all "who is this?" and when I told him, he seemed to remember me, but didn't seem too eager to converse beyond "hey, how's it goin?" Gaaaaaaaaaah. Oh, well. He was on the rebound when I met him, timing was bad. From what I observed with my friend, she used to be friends with the ex-girlfriend and when the ex-girlfriend started acting bitchy post-break up, my friend dumped her as a friend. Don't want that to happen to me, especially because I've known this girl since we were 4 years old and I value her friendship. On the plus side, it's given my self-esteem a boost and I now know I am capable of getting the attention of a hot guy.

But yeah, the guys I'm interested in want nothing to do with me, and the ones I could care less about are all over me like white on rice. I recently had two guys stalking me on Facebook, one from college and the other a friend of a friend whom I had never met in person...I tried to be nice, but they were being creepy and wouldn't take a hint, so I decided to just be a bitch and de-friend them. Sometimes, I think being nice doesn't get me anywhere. Also, having a conscience doesn't get me anywhere. A different friend of a friend (who I was actually interested in at one point) was hardcore flirting with me for a while and decided to proposition me shortly after my birthday in March. I briefly considered it, but in the end, it was Bad Idea Jeans because A) he's my really good friend's best friend and B) we don't want the same things. (He's happy living the bachelor life and just wants a good time, no strings attached. I'm a big fan of monogamy.) I ran into him last week when I went out to karaoke and he definitely acted kind of weird around me. It was a Catch-22; it would've been weird if I had hooked up with him and it was weird anyway when I refused. When it comes to love and jobs, I just can't win.

I've decided I'm a subscriber to the When Harry Met Sally theory of men and women cannot be friends. The only men I'm friends with are the ones who are 100% off limits - the ones who are married. They are my bros. The rest - engaged, relationship, single - are all kind of weird when it comes to me. I had a couple of platonic male friends in college (and even a couple post-college) and I'm pretty sure at one point or another, they were interested in me - I had mild to no interest. I'd get random late-night messages on Facebook or OK Cupid or whatever, they'd like my pics, stuff like that. Then one day, the messages, etc. would just stop. I'd eventually find out the guy in question had recently acquired a girlfriend (in one case, the girlfriend became fiancee and baby mama!). Apparently, in those cases, the single female friend becomes taboo and off limits. But in other cases, I've met guys in a relationship or even supposedly engaged who have no problem flirting with me. I guess I have no problem with the flirting, as long as it doesn't go beyond that. But even so, it's still kinda weird/creepy to me. Ugh...I hate men. Like I said, I just can't win.

I Can't Get No Satisfaction...

As far as I'm concerned, things are not good right now. I'm unemployed, single and I still live at home with my parents. I haven't had sex in about a year. I'm cranky, anxious and a little bitter. Nothing in my life is going the way I want it to - I just can't win. I haven't written in this thing in several months and I have a lot of stuff I've kept bottled up that needs to come out.

It's been over a year since I lost my job at the small publishing company I used to work for. My first claim for unemployment has run out and I just applied for claim #2. Yup. 13 months and still no job. And no, I'm not counting the internship, the once-a-week dance teacher gig, the freelance reviewer job, or the temp agency. The market sucks - it's the worst it's been in years. Don't get me wrong, there ARE jobs...full-time jobs with benefits...but there's A LOT of competition for those jobs. The only ones I have no problem getting interviews for and landing are contract, temporary, freelance or part-time. And it's not for lack of trying. I search the online job sites every single day and I apply to just about every job that sounds feasible to my skill set. I even sometimes reach for a few that I'm underqualified for. And all the stuff that I managed to get has major drawbacks - the internship did not pay, it's now over and during one of the free dance classes, I injured my knee. It still hasn't fully healed and I'm waiting for the ok to start working out again (I'm gaining weight again - it's not pretty). This past weekend was the recital for the dance school I taught ballet at once a week. It went well and I'm very proud of my little ballerinas. Unfortunately, this means classes are over and there goes the extra $100/month I was earning. They don't need me for the summer since there are so few classes, so I'm hoping and praying that I can come back and teach in the fall. Working for the temp agency stinks because a) it's very sporadic and not very steady and b) I reported my earnings to the DOL and they deducted the money I made from my unemployment. I see this as a problem - it encourages people to sit at home instead of taking part-time or temporary jobs because they make more money when they don't work. I landed a freelance position as a reviewer for a theater website. I get free tickets to see shows (mostly Off-Broadway and community shows) but I don't get reimbursed for my travel expenses and I only get about $15-$30 per review. It's cool to get paid to write, but it costs to travel and it doesn't pay the bills.

Ugh...speaking of bills...I was in a car accident last Wednesday. It was my fault. It was raining, the roads were slippery and when I put my foot on the breaks at a light, instead of coming to a stop, I slid into the car in front of me. Thankfully, no one was hurt. The woman driving the car in front of me drove away with just a few scratches on the rear of her Toyota Sequoia. My Honda CR-V wasn't so lucky. The front end got crunched - hood dented, bumper damaged, radiator pushed in. It didn't look too good and it was towed from the scene. Just found out today that it can be fixed and I can have it back next Friday. Thank God. If they had totaled it, I'd be f***ed. Ironically, I was on my way to an interview for a freelance journalist job. I was able to reschedule for this week, thankfully. I'm not sure if I really want it or not, but I'm gonna try for it and see what happens.

As for having a love life/dating...I've pretty much given up. I'm done with internet dating, it's just not for me. The one guy I was kind of interested in was kind of an alcoholic and I don't think he could handle my level of crazy. Fine, whatever. The other guys I talked to (and didn't even meet!) I just wasn't into and I didn't want to string them along anymore. I'm a nice girl who gives people the benefit of the doubt and it bites me in the ass because it gives these guys the wrong idea. The ones I want treat me like the crap and the ones I don't want are all over me like ticks on a deer. Back in March, I stupidly got back in touch with army musician guy. I was feeling lonely and a little drunk on St. Patty's Day so I texted him. He called me back and said he wanted to meet up with me sometime. I heard from him a few weeks later. I told him I was going to be in a play, "Little Shop of Horrors." He lives in Queens and came up to Westchester to see me in this show. He came on the last day and waited around a while to hang out, but due to sucky timing (he was tired from playing shows all weekend, I was tired from doing the play all weekend, plus I had to do strike and it took a while) it didn't happen. I went down to Queens a week later for a friend's birthday party - I told him to come stop by the party. He did, and he stayed awhile and we had a good time. I probably could've stayed down there with him overnight, but there had just been a bombing attempt in Times Square and I didn't want my crazy, over-protective mother going bat-shit on me for not coming home. (Ok, maybe I was playing a bit hard-to-get). We sent each other cute texts for another week or two, then I decided to go down to Manhattan to review a dance performance for the website. I was going to call him to see about hanging out, but Mother Nature foiled my plans and brought me my "monthly gift." After that, the calls and texts slowly stopped coming. I haven't heard from him in nearly a month. Not exactly sure what happened. I've been through this once before, I should've expected it. The first time (last year) and this time, I was really confused - he never made it clear to me whether he wanted something serious or just a hook-up. I was so insanely attracted to him from the very beginning and I felt like we had a lot in common. I had never really felt like that with anyone ever, before or since. The chemistry was insane...or so I thought. Maybe it was just one-sided, maybe it wasn't and the timing was just off. Maybe he just wasn't that into me. I just don't know.

I have no problem whatsoever finding new girlfriends and gay friends, but I am severely challenged in finding both boyfriends and platonic male buddies. It doesn't help that I'm into the arts - specifically, dance & theater, which are chock full of girls and gay men. I'm beginning to think there's no hope for me. So, I'm giving up on love for now and focusing on finding a job and getting the f*** out of my parents' house because I can't stand living with them. I need something to give, something to change because I can't go on like this. I look at the future and all I see is a giant question mark. I wanna be able to do stuff like buy my own place and travel, like a lot of my friends have. I feel like my life is on pause - most people I know are forging ahead and I'm stuck in a stagnant state where there isn't much change.

The only area of my life I AM satisfied with are my friendships. I am blessed with so many good friends. I only wish that I lived closer to most of them, they're spread out all over the Hudson Valley. They're the only thing in my life right now that makes it worth living.

He's Just Not That Into Me...or How I suck at getting jobs that pay

So wow...according to Kellie, I'm a dead-beat blogger. It's been almost a month since the last time I wrote something in here...and I actually have a few things to report.

My sister celebrated her 23rd birthday a few days ago. We celebrated by taking a trip down to the city on Saturday evening...we had dinner and drinks at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square, and then played some games at Dave & Buster's. We met up with her friends Theresa, Marisa and Keith as well as my friends Chelsea & Kellie. The wait was something like 2 hours, so we had a couple of drinks and played catch-up at the bar while waiting for a table. The drinks were good, the food was good, and the company was good...all in all, it was a good time. I didn't play too many games at Dave & Buster's, but I helped contribute a bit to my sister's winning so that she could come home with a crazy straw sippy cup and a shot glass.

A few weeks ago, I had applied to some jobs, and a couple of really cool-sounding (but non-paying) internships. Last week, I actually heard from the Paul Taylor Dance Company. I had a quick phone convo with them, which was very positive, and then Tuesday I went down to their office for an in-person interview. I came home 99% positive that I had gotten it...I was told they'd be in touch with me by the end of the week. Yesterday (Wednesday), I got an e-mail from Bill T. Jones/Arnie Zane Dance Company wanting to schedule an interview, and since I hadn't yet heard definitely from Paul Taylor, I e-mailed them back today saying I would be willing to schedule an interview. Approximately 2 hours after sending that e-mail, I get an e-mail from the Paul Taylor people asking me if I can start Wednesday. I'm not positive as to what my next move will be, but I have a feeling I will accept the Paul Taylor internship and do one of two things: a) try and see if I can do both at once or b) see if Bill T. Jones will take me on in May or June when I'm done with Paul Taylor. Oh, and to be clear, these are Arts Administration internships - they like me for my clerical/administrative experience as well as my background in the arts. After first talking to the girl from Paul Taylor, I started looking into part-time retail jobs (Starbucks, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Best Buy, etc.) so that if I got the internship, I'd have a little extra income. The day I went scout out some of these stores, I get a call from the dance studio I applied to work at over the summer - apparently, they didn't hire me because they had too few students and not because they didn't like me. Well, anyways, a teacher job opened up and they need someone to come in once a week and teach a ballet class. The director (Christine) asked me if I'd be interested, and I said hell yeah! It'll only be $25/week, but it's something to do and it'll be fun. So now I will be living the starving artist's lifestyle for the next few months. Hopefully, the job & internship(s?) will lead to more good things...we shall see!


On the romance front...I kinda stopped talking to Boy #1 from Okcupid. I felt like he had some idealized vision of me in his head and that he was putting me up on some pedestal...constantly telling me how wonderful I am and trying to be my knight-in-shining armor/cheerleader. I'm not a princess who needs to be worshipped and I was a little freaked out when he told me he liked me a lot...we hadn't even met yet! I don't need that kind of pressure. I want to be treated like a person - I'm not perfect, and I don't expect anyone else to be. Boy #2 seemed more promising...he was much more laid back, funny, a bit of a smart ass. I felt comfortable talking to him about a lot of stuff and it didn't feel like he was judging me. While a lot of interests differed, we seemed to agree on important stuff. Eventually, we agreed to meet up for coffee (not as a date). He was tall, cute, and funny - I was kind of awkward at the beginning, but once I remembered that I had talked to him before, I was able to warm up and be more talkative. I was under the impression that it went well - I had fun talking to him and the time seemed to fly a bit. We've IM'ed and texted a bit since, but the subject of meeting up again has yet to come up. I don't know if I did or said something to freak him out, but talking to him hasn't been the same recently. I'm under the impression that maybe he's just not that into me, but it's hard to gauge. With guys, I seem to want all or nothing, which is probably why I have so few male friends. I don't have an awful lot of trouble attracting guys, I just can't seem to hold onto them. I'm kind of sweet and trusting, and I've had guys take advantage of this before...they feed me what I want to hear, take what they want, and then leave. I'm just getting sick and tired of the games and the bullshit - if you're not that into me, tell me! Don't string me along because you like the attention. Don't ask me what's wrong, pretend to care and then fail to answer me. Maybe I should just stay away from men for a while...I have yet to find a guy who can give me what I want. I'm not on the hunt for a husband - I've got other priorities and I'm not ready for that yet...maybe someday, but not too soon. I'm focused on my career and I want to stand on my own two feet. However, I wouldn't mind a boyfriend - someone to hang out with and have sex with on a regular basis would be nice. And I really do think I'd make a kick-ass girlfriend. I'm honest, independent, not very jealous, I can be funny sometimes, I'm a girly girl (but not TOO girly - I kill spiders and I'm not afraid to get dirty), I like some sports and Tarantino films, I like to cook (and eat), I'm not too clingy or codependent...I'd make a fine girlfriend if given the chance. That movie "He's Just Not That Into You" seems to be the story of my life (the Ginnifer Goodwin plotline). So yeah, I'm gonna stay away from men for a while...they just kinda suck right now.

I'm gonna conclude this post with a few awesome movie quotes:

"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much, but at least that means I still care. Oh! You think you've won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way, but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit, but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."
-Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You

"I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, 'I Want You To Want Me.' Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?"
- Kate, John Tucker Must Die

"Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out out, okay? 'I Want To Hold Your Hand.' The first single. It's effing brilliant, right? That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand."
-Thom, Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes, we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs...how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay from the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy...maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment...you never gave up hope." -Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You

Jokes

If I were to ever do stand-up comedy, I'd like to tell this joke:

My dad and I are both getting paid by the government to stay home all day and watch TV. The only difference is, it's perfectly acceptable for him to do that, but not me. When you're over 65, it's called retirement. When you're 25, it's called being an unemployed bum.

If I think of more jokes, I will post them here.

The Post-Holiday Blues

So...yeah. It's been a while since the last time I wrote in this thing. Stuff I had said sorta came back and bit me in the ass. The evidence has long been deleted, but the damage was done. The army guy and I are not on speaking terms anymore. (Edit: Ok, yeah, that's kind of a lie. He sent me a message saying he just wants to be friends. And now he randomly texts me every once in a while. I should probably ignore it, but I give terse, polite answers. Either way, "speaking" or not, we are not a couple.) Long story short, we clearly were not looking for the same things. Guess it wasn't meant to be. I kinda saw it coming - it definitely hurt, but I'm bouncing back. I always do. It was fun while it lasted and I wish him all the best in the future. Lessons learned - "Don't count your chickens before they've hatched" and "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Anyways...Nunsense went up in November and it ended up going really, really well. As much as I was stressed out about it, it came together nicely and I had fun doing it. I was kind of handed the role of Sister Leo, but it was one that allowed me to really display what I can do dancing, singing, and acting-wise. I had no problem becoming the character - basically, she was a younger me. Since then, I've auditioned for 2 shows...one was a community theater group production of Rent in Rhinebeck and I was flat-out rejected, the other was a tuition-based conservatory thing in Westchester for teens and twenty-somethings doing another of my dream shows, A Chorus Line. For that one, I made it all the way to final callbacks for the parts I really wanted, only to be offered a part in the cut dancer ensemble. I declined the part, mainly due to the fact that I live an hour away from the theater and can't afford the tuition right now. One day, I will do a production of A Chorus Line and I will get a spot on The Line, mark my words.

About 2 weeks ago, I went to the city with my friend Jess to see Disney's The Princess & the Frog at the Ziegfeld Theater and to the Ultimate Disney Experience at the Roseland Ballroom. Being the ginormous Disney geek that I am, I thought the movie was adorable and the expo was fun...we met all the Disney princesses, including the new princess, Tiana, took a drawing class, and saw some cool stuff from the Disney archives. After all that stuff, we went to the Rockefellar Center area...we went inside St. Patrick's (which is GORGEOUS at Christmas time), poked around the NBC Experience store, then went to the skating rink to see the tree. We took pictures in front of the tree and saw the awesome light-up/musical snowflake display at Saks. One of the few things I bought while on that excursion was at St. Pat's...a prayer card to St. Teresa of Avila that really resonated with me:

"Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things pass away;
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things,
He who has God
Finds he lacks nothing;
God alone suffices."

I've applied to several jobs lately and still, I get no feedback. I asked Santa for a job for Christmas...maybe it'll come after the holidays? I can only hope. I've decided that if I don't find a job in a few months, well fuck it...I'm gonna apply to a bunch of grad school programs and try to do something I might actually like. A master's degree would hopefully make me stand out in a bunch of resumes.

On the romance front...I've been talking to 2 guys I met online. At http://www.okcupid.com/, of all places. I joined that site as a joke like 5 years when I was in college. I liked it mostly for the fun personality quizzes. Now, most of the guys that have messaged me on this site before were either extremely nerdy or disgusting perverts, so I'm not normally inclined to actually answer most of the messages that I get. I was on the verge of cancelling my membership when I got messages from these 2 guys who actually seem decent. Both are very similar to me, but in different ways. One is a part-time freelance writing teacher with an English degree who also acts & sings on the side. He seems nice so far, but there's something about him that annoys me a bit. He seems into me and is eager to meet me in person, but I don't know how I feel about him yet. The other guy feels my pain about the job situation, as he has a non-paying writing internship and can't find a job, either. He is sympathetic and funny and we seem to have similar personalities. He's more laid-back and has not even brought up meeting up in person yet. I don't know. We shall see how it goes.

I think I have the post-holiday blues or something. I've been kind of sad lately. I can't even really explain why. It could be the job thing, but it also could be that I feel isolated. It doesn't help that I don't get out much...can't really afford to right now. I hardly see my friends anymore and it feels like we're starting to grow apart, especially my college buddies. I know this stuff happens, but I don't wanna let it! Binghamton buddies, expect phone calls in the next few days, I'd like to do some catching up.

Sadly, I've been eating my feelings lately. I've gained some weight back and I feel like crap. I don't need a scale to know - my pants are just barely fitting me. As soon as the holidays are over, I'm hitting the gym - hard. Boy, am I glad the holidays only come once a year!

On the bright side, my sis and I got some kick-ass presents for Christmas - a Nintendo Wii system, Wii Fit, a Band Hero kit (the game, plus drums, guitar and microphone), and The Beatles Rock Band game. I love to sing and do fairly well (with songs I know, anyway), and with some practice, I won't suck at the drums. Been too scared to pick up the guitar, but that will come soon enough. And don't even get me started on the Wii Fit...I haven't set foot on it yet, but I know for a fact that it will definitely yell at me for being overweight.

I can't wait for 2010...mostly because 2009 (with the exception of a few awesome things) was one of the crappiest years of my life. I'm a fan of the whole symbollic new year, new start thing. Wipe the slate clean and start over again. First goal of the year: find a job and/or apply to grad school. Getting back into dance classes, voice lessons, and moving out of my parents' house to follow. As for love...I'm not gonna actively go looking for it. If it finds me, so be it. If it doesn't, that's ok. And my experiences with guys this year have made me realize that maybe perhaps I'm not as ready to settle down as I thought I was. I wanna be able to stand on my own two feet for a while. I may just start praying again...it couldn't hurt.