I Can't Get No Satisfaction...

As far as I'm concerned, things are not good right now. I'm unemployed, single and I still live at home with my parents. I haven't had sex in about a year. I'm cranky, anxious and a little bitter. Nothing in my life is going the way I want it to - I just can't win. I haven't written in this thing in several months and I have a lot of stuff I've kept bottled up that needs to come out.

It's been over a year since I lost my job at the small publishing company I used to work for. My first claim for unemployment has run out and I just applied for claim #2. Yup. 13 months and still no job. And no, I'm not counting the internship, the once-a-week dance teacher gig, the freelance reviewer job, or the temp agency. The market sucks - it's the worst it's been in years. Don't get me wrong, there ARE jobs...full-time jobs with benefits...but there's A LOT of competition for those jobs. The only ones I have no problem getting interviews for and landing are contract, temporary, freelance or part-time. And it's not for lack of trying. I search the online job sites every single day and I apply to just about every job that sounds feasible to my skill set. I even sometimes reach for a few that I'm underqualified for. And all the stuff that I managed to get has major drawbacks - the internship did not pay, it's now over and during one of the free dance classes, I injured my knee. It still hasn't fully healed and I'm waiting for the ok to start working out again (I'm gaining weight again - it's not pretty). This past weekend was the recital for the dance school I taught ballet at once a week. It went well and I'm very proud of my little ballerinas. Unfortunately, this means classes are over and there goes the extra $100/month I was earning. They don't need me for the summer since there are so few classes, so I'm hoping and praying that I can come back and teach in the fall. Working for the temp agency stinks because a) it's very sporadic and not very steady and b) I reported my earnings to the DOL and they deducted the money I made from my unemployment. I see this as a problem - it encourages people to sit at home instead of taking part-time or temporary jobs because they make more money when they don't work. I landed a freelance position as a reviewer for a theater website. I get free tickets to see shows (mostly Off-Broadway and community shows) but I don't get reimbursed for my travel expenses and I only get about $15-$30 per review. It's cool to get paid to write, but it costs to travel and it doesn't pay the bills.

Ugh...speaking of bills...I was in a car accident last Wednesday. It was my fault. It was raining, the roads were slippery and when I put my foot on the breaks at a light, instead of coming to a stop, I slid into the car in front of me. Thankfully, no one was hurt. The woman driving the car in front of me drove away with just a few scratches on the rear of her Toyota Sequoia. My Honda CR-V wasn't so lucky. The front end got crunched - hood dented, bumper damaged, radiator pushed in. It didn't look too good and it was towed from the scene. Just found out today that it can be fixed and I can have it back next Friday. Thank God. If they had totaled it, I'd be f***ed. Ironically, I was on my way to an interview for a freelance journalist job. I was able to reschedule for this week, thankfully. I'm not sure if I really want it or not, but I'm gonna try for it and see what happens.

As for having a love life/dating...I've pretty much given up. I'm done with internet dating, it's just not for me. The one guy I was kind of interested in was kind of an alcoholic and I don't think he could handle my level of crazy. Fine, whatever. The other guys I talked to (and didn't even meet!) I just wasn't into and I didn't want to string them along anymore. I'm a nice girl who gives people the benefit of the doubt and it bites me in the ass because it gives these guys the wrong idea. The ones I want treat me like the crap and the ones I don't want are all over me like ticks on a deer. Back in March, I stupidly got back in touch with army musician guy. I was feeling lonely and a little drunk on St. Patty's Day so I texted him. He called me back and said he wanted to meet up with me sometime. I heard from him a few weeks later. I told him I was going to be in a play, "Little Shop of Horrors." He lives in Queens and came up to Westchester to see me in this show. He came on the last day and waited around a while to hang out, but due to sucky timing (he was tired from playing shows all weekend, I was tired from doing the play all weekend, plus I had to do strike and it took a while) it didn't happen. I went down to Queens a week later for a friend's birthday party - I told him to come stop by the party. He did, and he stayed awhile and we had a good time. I probably could've stayed down there with him overnight, but there had just been a bombing attempt in Times Square and I didn't want my crazy, over-protective mother going bat-shit on me for not coming home. (Ok, maybe I was playing a bit hard-to-get). We sent each other cute texts for another week or two, then I decided to go down to Manhattan to review a dance performance for the website. I was going to call him to see about hanging out, but Mother Nature foiled my plans and brought me my "monthly gift." After that, the calls and texts slowly stopped coming. I haven't heard from him in nearly a month. Not exactly sure what happened. I've been through this once before, I should've expected it. The first time (last year) and this time, I was really confused - he never made it clear to me whether he wanted something serious or just a hook-up. I was so insanely attracted to him from the very beginning and I felt like we had a lot in common. I had never really felt like that with anyone ever, before or since. The chemistry was insane...or so I thought. Maybe it was just one-sided, maybe it wasn't and the timing was just off. Maybe he just wasn't that into me. I just don't know.

I have no problem whatsoever finding new girlfriends and gay friends, but I am severely challenged in finding both boyfriends and platonic male buddies. It doesn't help that I'm into the arts - specifically, dance & theater, which are chock full of girls and gay men. I'm beginning to think there's no hope for me. So, I'm giving up on love for now and focusing on finding a job and getting the f*** out of my parents' house because I can't stand living with them. I need something to give, something to change because I can't go on like this. I look at the future and all I see is a giant question mark. I wanna be able to do stuff like buy my own place and travel, like a lot of my friends have. I feel like my life is on pause - most people I know are forging ahead and I'm stuck in a stagnant state where there isn't much change.

The only area of my life I AM satisfied with are my friendships. I am blessed with so many good friends. I only wish that I lived closer to most of them, they're spread out all over the Hudson Valley. They're the only thing in my life right now that makes it worth living.