As far as I'm concerned, things are not good right now. I'm unemployed, single and I still live at home with my parents. I haven't had sex in about a year. I'm cranky, anxious and a little bitter. Nothing in my life is going the way I want it to - I just can't win. I haven't written in this thing in several months and I have a lot of stuff I've kept bottled up that needs to come out.
It's been over a year since I lost my job at the small publishing company I used to work for. My first claim for unemployment has run out and I just applied for claim #2. Yup. 13 months and still no job. And no, I'm not counting the internship, the once-a-week dance teacher gig, the freelance reviewer job, or the temp agency. The market sucks - it's the worst it's been in years. Don't get me wrong, there ARE jobs...full-time jobs with benefits...but there's A LOT of competition for those jobs. The only ones I have no problem getting interviews for and landing are contract, temporary, freelance or part-time. And it's not for lack of trying. I search the online job sites every single day and I apply to just about every job that sounds feasible to my skill set. I even sometimes reach for a few that I'm underqualified for. And all the stuff that I managed to get has major drawbacks - the internship did not pay, it's now over and during one of the free dance classes, I injured my knee. It still hasn't fully healed and I'm waiting for the ok to start working out again (I'm gaining weight again - it's not pretty). This past weekend was the recital for the dance school I taught ballet at once a week. It went well and I'm very proud of my little ballerinas. Unfortunately, this means classes are over and there goes the extra $100/month I was earning. They don't need me for the summer since there are so few classes, so I'm hoping and praying that I can come back and teach in the fall. Working for the temp agency stinks because a) it's very sporadic and not very steady and b) I reported my earnings to the DOL and they deducted the money I made from my unemployment. I see this as a problem - it encourages people to sit at home instead of taking part-time or temporary jobs because they make more money when they don't work. I landed a freelance position as a reviewer for a theater website. I get free tickets to see shows (mostly Off-Broadway and community shows) but I don't get reimbursed for my travel expenses and I only get about $15-$30 per review. It's cool to get paid to write, but it costs to travel and it doesn't pay the bills.
Ugh...speaking of bills...I was in a car accident last Wednesday. It was my fault. It was raining, the roads were slippery and when I put my foot on the breaks at a light, instead of coming to a stop, I slid into the car in front of me. Thankfully, no one was hurt. The woman driving the car in front of me drove away with just a few scratches on the rear of her Toyota Sequoia. My Honda CR-V wasn't so lucky. The front end got crunched - hood dented, bumper damaged, radiator pushed in. It didn't look too good and it was towed from the scene. Just found out today that it can be fixed and I can have it back next Friday. Thank God. If they had totaled it, I'd be f***ed. Ironically, I was on my way to an interview for a freelance journalist job. I was able to reschedule for this week, thankfully. I'm not sure if I really want it or not, but I'm gonna try for it and see what happens.
As for having a love life/dating...I've pretty much given up. I'm done with internet dating, it's just not for me. The one guy I was kind of interested in was kind of an alcoholic and I don't think he could handle my level of crazy. Fine, whatever. The other guys I talked to (and didn't even meet!) I just wasn't into and I didn't want to string them along anymore. I'm a nice girl who gives people the benefit of the doubt and it bites me in the ass because it gives these guys the wrong idea. The ones I want treat me like the crap and the ones I don't want are all over me like ticks on a deer. Back in March, I stupidly got back in touch with army musician guy. I was feeling lonely and a little drunk on St. Patty's Day so I texted him. He called me back and said he wanted to meet up with me sometime. I heard from him a few weeks later. I told him I was going to be in a play, "Little Shop of Horrors." He lives in Queens and came up to Westchester to see me in this show. He came on the last day and waited around a while to hang out, but due to sucky timing (he was tired from playing shows all weekend, I was tired from doing the play all weekend, plus I had to do strike and it took a while) it didn't happen. I went down to Queens a week later for a friend's birthday party - I told him to come stop by the party. He did, and he stayed awhile and we had a good time. I probably could've stayed down there with him overnight, but there had just been a bombing attempt in Times Square and I didn't want my crazy, over-protective mother going bat-shit on me for not coming home. (Ok, maybe I was playing a bit hard-to-get). We sent each other cute texts for another week or two, then I decided to go down to Manhattan to review a dance performance for the website. I was going to call him to see about hanging out, but Mother Nature foiled my plans and brought me my "monthly gift." After that, the calls and texts slowly stopped coming. I haven't heard from him in nearly a month. Not exactly sure what happened. I've been through this once before, I should've expected it. The first time (last year) and this time, I was really confused - he never made it clear to me whether he wanted something serious or just a hook-up. I was so insanely attracted to him from the very beginning and I felt like we had a lot in common. I had never really felt like that with anyone ever, before or since. The chemistry was insane...or so I thought. Maybe it was just one-sided, maybe it wasn't and the timing was just off. Maybe he just wasn't that into me. I just don't know.
I have no problem whatsoever finding new girlfriends and gay friends, but I am severely challenged in finding both boyfriends and platonic male buddies. It doesn't help that I'm into the arts - specifically, dance & theater, which are chock full of girls and gay men. I'm beginning to think there's no hope for me. So, I'm giving up on love for now and focusing on finding a job and getting the f*** out of my parents' house because I can't stand living with them. I need something to give, something to change because I can't go on like this. I look at the future and all I see is a giant question mark. I wanna be able to do stuff like buy my own place and travel, like a lot of my friends have. I feel like my life is on pause - most people I know are forging ahead and I'm stuck in a stagnant state where there isn't much change.
The only area of my life I AM satisfied with are my friendships. I am blessed with so many good friends. I only wish that I lived closer to most of them, they're spread out all over the Hudson Valley. They're the only thing in my life right now that makes it worth living.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
He's Just Not That Into Me...or How I suck at getting jobs that pay
So wow...according to Kellie, I'm a dead-beat blogger. It's been almost a month since the last time I wrote something in here...and I actually have a few things to report.
My sister celebrated her 23rd birthday a few days ago. We celebrated by taking a trip down to the city on Saturday evening...we had dinner and drinks at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square, and then played some games at Dave & Buster's. We met up with her friends Theresa, Marisa and Keith as well as my friends Chelsea & Kellie. The wait was something like 2 hours, so we had a couple of drinks and played catch-up at the bar while waiting for a table. The drinks were good, the food was good, and the company was good...all in all, it was a good time. I didn't play too many games at Dave & Buster's, but I helped contribute a bit to my sister's winning so that she could come home with a crazy straw sippy cup and a shot glass.
A few weeks ago, I had applied to some jobs, and a couple of really cool-sounding (but non-paying) internships. Last week, I actually heard from the Paul Taylor Dance Company. I had a quick phone convo with them, which was very positive, and then Tuesday I went down to their office for an in-person interview. I came home 99% positive that I had gotten it...I was told they'd be in touch with me by the end of the week. Yesterday (Wednesday), I got an e-mail from Bill T. Jones/Arnie Zane Dance Company wanting to schedule an interview, and since I hadn't yet heard definitely from Paul Taylor, I e-mailed them back today saying I would be willing to schedule an interview. Approximately 2 hours after sending that e-mail, I get an e-mail from the Paul Taylor people asking me if I can start Wednesday. I'm not positive as to what my next move will be, but I have a feeling I will accept the Paul Taylor internship and do one of two things: a) try and see if I can do both at once or b) see if Bill T. Jones will take me on in May or June when I'm done with Paul Taylor. Oh, and to be clear, these are Arts Administration internships - they like me for my clerical/administrative experience as well as my background in the arts. After first talking to the girl from Paul Taylor, I started looking into part-time retail jobs (Starbucks, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Best Buy, etc.) so that if I got the internship, I'd have a little extra income. The day I went scout out some of these stores, I get a call from the dance studio I applied to work at over the summer - apparently, they didn't hire me because they had too few students and not because they didn't like me. Well, anyways, a teacher job opened up and they need someone to come in once a week and teach a ballet class. The director (Christine) asked me if I'd be interested, and I said hell yeah! It'll only be $25/week, but it's something to do and it'll be fun. So now I will be living the starving artist's lifestyle for the next few months. Hopefully, the job & internship(s?) will lead to more good things...we shall see!
On the romance front...I kinda stopped talking to Boy #1 from Okcupid. I felt like he had some idealized vision of me in his head and that he was putting me up on some pedestal...constantly telling me how wonderful I am and trying to be my knight-in-shining armor/cheerleader. I'm not a princess who needs to be worshipped and I was a little freaked out when he told me he liked me a lot...we hadn't even met yet! I don't need that kind of pressure. I want to be treated like a person - I'm not perfect, and I don't expect anyone else to be. Boy #2 seemed more promising...he was much more laid back, funny, a bit of a smart ass. I felt comfortable talking to him about a lot of stuff and it didn't feel like he was judging me. While a lot of interests differed, we seemed to agree on important stuff. Eventually, we agreed to meet up for coffee (not as a date). He was tall, cute, and funny - I was kind of awkward at the beginning, but once I remembered that I had talked to him before, I was able to warm up and be more talkative. I was under the impression that it went well - I had fun talking to him and the time seemed to fly a bit. We've IM'ed and texted a bit since, but the subject of meeting up again has yet to come up. I don't know if I did or said something to freak him out, but talking to him hasn't been the same recently. I'm under the impression that maybe he's just not that into me, but it's hard to gauge. With guys, I seem to want all or nothing, which is probably why I have so few male friends. I don't have an awful lot of trouble attracting guys, I just can't seem to hold onto them. I'm kind of sweet and trusting, and I've had guys take advantage of this before...they feed me what I want to hear, take what they want, and then leave. I'm just getting sick and tired of the games and the bullshit - if you're not that into me, tell me! Don't string me along because you like the attention. Don't ask me what's wrong, pretend to care and then fail to answer me. Maybe I should just stay away from men for a while...I have yet to find a guy who can give me what I want. I'm not on the hunt for a husband - I've got other priorities and I'm not ready for that yet...maybe someday, but not too soon. I'm focused on my career and I want to stand on my own two feet. However, I wouldn't mind a boyfriend - someone to hang out with and have sex with on a regular basis would be nice. And I really do think I'd make a kick-ass girlfriend. I'm honest, independent, not very jealous, I can be funny sometimes, I'm a girly girl (but not TOO girly - I kill spiders and I'm not afraid to get dirty), I like some sports and Tarantino films, I like to cook (and eat), I'm not too clingy or codependent...I'd make a fine girlfriend if given the chance. That movie "He's Just Not That Into You" seems to be the story of my life (the Ginnifer Goodwin plotline). So yeah, I'm gonna stay away from men for a while...they just kinda suck right now.
I'm gonna conclude this post with a few awesome movie quotes:
"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much, but at least that means I still care. Oh! You think you've won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way, but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit, but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."
-Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You
"I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, 'I Want You To Want Me.' Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?"
- Kate, John Tucker Must Die
"Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out out, okay? 'I Want To Hold Your Hand.' The first single. It's effing brilliant, right? That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand."
-Thom, Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes, we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs...how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay from the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy...maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment...you never gave up hope." -Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You
My sister celebrated her 23rd birthday a few days ago. We celebrated by taking a trip down to the city on Saturday evening...we had dinner and drinks at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square, and then played some games at Dave & Buster's. We met up with her friends Theresa, Marisa and Keith as well as my friends Chelsea & Kellie. The wait was something like 2 hours, so we had a couple of drinks and played catch-up at the bar while waiting for a table. The drinks were good, the food was good, and the company was good...all in all, it was a good time. I didn't play too many games at Dave & Buster's, but I helped contribute a bit to my sister's winning so that she could come home with a crazy straw sippy cup and a shot glass.
A few weeks ago, I had applied to some jobs, and a couple of really cool-sounding (but non-paying) internships. Last week, I actually heard from the Paul Taylor Dance Company. I had a quick phone convo with them, which was very positive, and then Tuesday I went down to their office for an in-person interview. I came home 99% positive that I had gotten it...I was told they'd be in touch with me by the end of the week. Yesterday (Wednesday), I got an e-mail from Bill T. Jones/Arnie Zane Dance Company wanting to schedule an interview, and since I hadn't yet heard definitely from Paul Taylor, I e-mailed them back today saying I would be willing to schedule an interview. Approximately 2 hours after sending that e-mail, I get an e-mail from the Paul Taylor people asking me if I can start Wednesday. I'm not positive as to what my next move will be, but I have a feeling I will accept the Paul Taylor internship and do one of two things: a) try and see if I can do both at once or b) see if Bill T. Jones will take me on in May or June when I'm done with Paul Taylor. Oh, and to be clear, these are Arts Administration internships - they like me for my clerical/administrative experience as well as my background in the arts. After first talking to the girl from Paul Taylor, I started looking into part-time retail jobs (Starbucks, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Best Buy, etc.) so that if I got the internship, I'd have a little extra income. The day I went scout out some of these stores, I get a call from the dance studio I applied to work at over the summer - apparently, they didn't hire me because they had too few students and not because they didn't like me. Well, anyways, a teacher job opened up and they need someone to come in once a week and teach a ballet class. The director (Christine) asked me if I'd be interested, and I said hell yeah! It'll only be $25/week, but it's something to do and it'll be fun. So now I will be living the starving artist's lifestyle for the next few months. Hopefully, the job & internship(s?) will lead to more good things...we shall see!
On the romance front...I kinda stopped talking to Boy #1 from Okcupid. I felt like he had some idealized vision of me in his head and that he was putting me up on some pedestal...constantly telling me how wonderful I am and trying to be my knight-in-shining armor/cheerleader. I'm not a princess who needs to be worshipped and I was a little freaked out when he told me he liked me a lot...we hadn't even met yet! I don't need that kind of pressure. I want to be treated like a person - I'm not perfect, and I don't expect anyone else to be. Boy #2 seemed more promising...he was much more laid back, funny, a bit of a smart ass. I felt comfortable talking to him about a lot of stuff and it didn't feel like he was judging me. While a lot of interests differed, we seemed to agree on important stuff. Eventually, we agreed to meet up for coffee (not as a date). He was tall, cute, and funny - I was kind of awkward at the beginning, but once I remembered that I had talked to him before, I was able to warm up and be more talkative. I was under the impression that it went well - I had fun talking to him and the time seemed to fly a bit. We've IM'ed and texted a bit since, but the subject of meeting up again has yet to come up. I don't know if I did or said something to freak him out, but talking to him hasn't been the same recently. I'm under the impression that maybe he's just not that into me, but it's hard to gauge. With guys, I seem to want all or nothing, which is probably why I have so few male friends. I don't have an awful lot of trouble attracting guys, I just can't seem to hold onto them. I'm kind of sweet and trusting, and I've had guys take advantage of this before...they feed me what I want to hear, take what they want, and then leave. I'm just getting sick and tired of the games and the bullshit - if you're not that into me, tell me! Don't string me along because you like the attention. Don't ask me what's wrong, pretend to care and then fail to answer me. Maybe I should just stay away from men for a while...I have yet to find a guy who can give me what I want. I'm not on the hunt for a husband - I've got other priorities and I'm not ready for that yet...maybe someday, but not too soon. I'm focused on my career and I want to stand on my own two feet. However, I wouldn't mind a boyfriend - someone to hang out with and have sex with on a regular basis would be nice. And I really do think I'd make a kick-ass girlfriend. I'm honest, independent, not very jealous, I can be funny sometimes, I'm a girly girl (but not TOO girly - I kill spiders and I'm not afraid to get dirty), I like some sports and Tarantino films, I like to cook (and eat), I'm not too clingy or codependent...I'd make a fine girlfriend if given the chance. That movie "He's Just Not That Into You" seems to be the story of my life (the Ginnifer Goodwin plotline). So yeah, I'm gonna stay away from men for a while...they just kinda suck right now.
I'm gonna conclude this post with a few awesome movie quotes:
"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much, but at least that means I still care. Oh! You think you've won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way, but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit, but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."
-Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You
"I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, 'I Want You To Want Me.' Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?"
- Kate, John Tucker Must Die
"Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out out, okay? 'I Want To Hold Your Hand.' The first single. It's effing brilliant, right? That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand."
-Thom, Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes, we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs...how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay from the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy...maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment...you never gave up hope." -Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You
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