As far as I'm concerned, things are not good right now. I'm unemployed, single and I still live at home with my parents. I haven't had sex in about a year. I'm cranky, anxious and a little bitter. Nothing in my life is going the way I want it to - I just can't win. I haven't written in this thing in several months and I have a lot of stuff I've kept bottled up that needs to come out.
It's been over a year since I lost my job at the small publishing company I used to work for. My first claim for unemployment has run out and I just applied for claim #2. Yup. 13 months and still no job. And no, I'm not counting the internship, the once-a-week dance teacher gig, the freelance reviewer job, or the temp agency. The market sucks - it's the worst it's been in years. Don't get me wrong, there ARE jobs...full-time jobs with benefits...but there's A LOT of competition for those jobs. The only ones I have no problem getting interviews for and landing are contract, temporary, freelance or part-time. And it's not for lack of trying. I search the online job sites every single day and I apply to just about every job that sounds feasible to my skill set. I even sometimes reach for a few that I'm underqualified for. And all the stuff that I managed to get has major drawbacks - the internship did not pay, it's now over and during one of the free dance classes, I injured my knee. It still hasn't fully healed and I'm waiting for the ok to start working out again (I'm gaining weight again - it's not pretty). This past weekend was the recital for the dance school I taught ballet at once a week. It went well and I'm very proud of my little ballerinas. Unfortunately, this means classes are over and there goes the extra $100/month I was earning. They don't need me for the summer since there are so few classes, so I'm hoping and praying that I can come back and teach in the fall. Working for the temp agency stinks because a) it's very sporadic and not very steady and b) I reported my earnings to the DOL and they deducted the money I made from my unemployment. I see this as a problem - it encourages people to sit at home instead of taking part-time or temporary jobs because they make more money when they don't work. I landed a freelance position as a reviewer for a theater website. I get free tickets to see shows (mostly Off-Broadway and community shows) but I don't get reimbursed for my travel expenses and I only get about $15-$30 per review. It's cool to get paid to write, but it costs to travel and it doesn't pay the bills.
Ugh...speaking of bills...I was in a car accident last Wednesday. It was my fault. It was raining, the roads were slippery and when I put my foot on the breaks at a light, instead of coming to a stop, I slid into the car in front of me. Thankfully, no one was hurt. The woman driving the car in front of me drove away with just a few scratches on the rear of her Toyota Sequoia. My Honda CR-V wasn't so lucky. The front end got crunched - hood dented, bumper damaged, radiator pushed in. It didn't look too good and it was towed from the scene. Just found out today that it can be fixed and I can have it back next Friday. Thank God. If they had totaled it, I'd be f***ed. Ironically, I was on my way to an interview for a freelance journalist job. I was able to reschedule for this week, thankfully. I'm not sure if I really want it or not, but I'm gonna try for it and see what happens.
As for having a love life/dating...I've pretty much given up. I'm done with internet dating, it's just not for me. The one guy I was kind of interested in was kind of an alcoholic and I don't think he could handle my level of crazy. Fine, whatever. The other guys I talked to (and didn't even meet!) I just wasn't into and I didn't want to string them along anymore. I'm a nice girl who gives people the benefit of the doubt and it bites me in the ass because it gives these guys the wrong idea. The ones I want treat me like the crap and the ones I don't want are all over me like ticks on a deer. Back in March, I stupidly got back in touch with army musician guy. I was feeling lonely and a little drunk on St. Patty's Day so I texted him. He called me back and said he wanted to meet up with me sometime. I heard from him a few weeks later. I told him I was going to be in a play, "Little Shop of Horrors." He lives in Queens and came up to Westchester to see me in this show. He came on the last day and waited around a while to hang out, but due to sucky timing (he was tired from playing shows all weekend, I was tired from doing the play all weekend, plus I had to do strike and it took a while) it didn't happen. I went down to Queens a week later for a friend's birthday party - I told him to come stop by the party. He did, and he stayed awhile and we had a good time. I probably could've stayed down there with him overnight, but there had just been a bombing attempt in Times Square and I didn't want my crazy, over-protective mother going bat-shit on me for not coming home. (Ok, maybe I was playing a bit hard-to-get). We sent each other cute texts for another week or two, then I decided to go down to Manhattan to review a dance performance for the website. I was going to call him to see about hanging out, but Mother Nature foiled my plans and brought me my "monthly gift." After that, the calls and texts slowly stopped coming. I haven't heard from him in nearly a month. Not exactly sure what happened. I've been through this once before, I should've expected it. The first time (last year) and this time, I was really confused - he never made it clear to me whether he wanted something serious or just a hook-up. I was so insanely attracted to him from the very beginning and I felt like we had a lot in common. I had never really felt like that with anyone ever, before or since. The chemistry was insane...or so I thought. Maybe it was just one-sided, maybe it wasn't and the timing was just off. Maybe he just wasn't that into me. I just don't know.
I have no problem whatsoever finding new girlfriends and gay friends, but I am severely challenged in finding both boyfriends and platonic male buddies. It doesn't help that I'm into the arts - specifically, dance & theater, which are chock full of girls and gay men. I'm beginning to think there's no hope for me. So, I'm giving up on love for now and focusing on finding a job and getting the f*** out of my parents' house because I can't stand living with them. I need something to give, something to change because I can't go on like this. I look at the future and all I see is a giant question mark. I wanna be able to do stuff like buy my own place and travel, like a lot of my friends have. I feel like my life is on pause - most people I know are forging ahead and I'm stuck in a stagnant state where there isn't much change.
The only area of my life I AM satisfied with are my friendships. I am blessed with so many good friends. I only wish that I lived closer to most of them, they're spread out all over the Hudson Valley. They're the only thing in my life right now that makes it worth living.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
He's Just Not That Into Me...or How I suck at getting jobs that pay
So wow...according to Kellie, I'm a dead-beat blogger. It's been almost a month since the last time I wrote something in here...and I actually have a few things to report.
My sister celebrated her 23rd birthday a few days ago. We celebrated by taking a trip down to the city on Saturday evening...we had dinner and drinks at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square, and then played some games at Dave & Buster's. We met up with her friends Theresa, Marisa and Keith as well as my friends Chelsea & Kellie. The wait was something like 2 hours, so we had a couple of drinks and played catch-up at the bar while waiting for a table. The drinks were good, the food was good, and the company was good...all in all, it was a good time. I didn't play too many games at Dave & Buster's, but I helped contribute a bit to my sister's winning so that she could come home with a crazy straw sippy cup and a shot glass.
A few weeks ago, I had applied to some jobs, and a couple of really cool-sounding (but non-paying) internships. Last week, I actually heard from the Paul Taylor Dance Company. I had a quick phone convo with them, which was very positive, and then Tuesday I went down to their office for an in-person interview. I came home 99% positive that I had gotten it...I was told they'd be in touch with me by the end of the week. Yesterday (Wednesday), I got an e-mail from Bill T. Jones/Arnie Zane Dance Company wanting to schedule an interview, and since I hadn't yet heard definitely from Paul Taylor, I e-mailed them back today saying I would be willing to schedule an interview. Approximately 2 hours after sending that e-mail, I get an e-mail from the Paul Taylor people asking me if I can start Wednesday. I'm not positive as to what my next move will be, but I have a feeling I will accept the Paul Taylor internship and do one of two things: a) try and see if I can do both at once or b) see if Bill T. Jones will take me on in May or June when I'm done with Paul Taylor. Oh, and to be clear, these are Arts Administration internships - they like me for my clerical/administrative experience as well as my background in the arts. After first talking to the girl from Paul Taylor, I started looking into part-time retail jobs (Starbucks, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Best Buy, etc.) so that if I got the internship, I'd have a little extra income. The day I went scout out some of these stores, I get a call from the dance studio I applied to work at over the summer - apparently, they didn't hire me because they had too few students and not because they didn't like me. Well, anyways, a teacher job opened up and they need someone to come in once a week and teach a ballet class. The director (Christine) asked me if I'd be interested, and I said hell yeah! It'll only be $25/week, but it's something to do and it'll be fun. So now I will be living the starving artist's lifestyle for the next few months. Hopefully, the job & internship(s?) will lead to more good things...we shall see!
On the romance front...I kinda stopped talking to Boy #1 from Okcupid. I felt like he had some idealized vision of me in his head and that he was putting me up on some pedestal...constantly telling me how wonderful I am and trying to be my knight-in-shining armor/cheerleader. I'm not a princess who needs to be worshipped and I was a little freaked out when he told me he liked me a lot...we hadn't even met yet! I don't need that kind of pressure. I want to be treated like a person - I'm not perfect, and I don't expect anyone else to be. Boy #2 seemed more promising...he was much more laid back, funny, a bit of a smart ass. I felt comfortable talking to him about a lot of stuff and it didn't feel like he was judging me. While a lot of interests differed, we seemed to agree on important stuff. Eventually, we agreed to meet up for coffee (not as a date). He was tall, cute, and funny - I was kind of awkward at the beginning, but once I remembered that I had talked to him before, I was able to warm up and be more talkative. I was under the impression that it went well - I had fun talking to him and the time seemed to fly a bit. We've IM'ed and texted a bit since, but the subject of meeting up again has yet to come up. I don't know if I did or said something to freak him out, but talking to him hasn't been the same recently. I'm under the impression that maybe he's just not that into me, but it's hard to gauge. With guys, I seem to want all or nothing, which is probably why I have so few male friends. I don't have an awful lot of trouble attracting guys, I just can't seem to hold onto them. I'm kind of sweet and trusting, and I've had guys take advantage of this before...they feed me what I want to hear, take what they want, and then leave. I'm just getting sick and tired of the games and the bullshit - if you're not that into me, tell me! Don't string me along because you like the attention. Don't ask me what's wrong, pretend to care and then fail to answer me. Maybe I should just stay away from men for a while...I have yet to find a guy who can give me what I want. I'm not on the hunt for a husband - I've got other priorities and I'm not ready for that yet...maybe someday, but not too soon. I'm focused on my career and I want to stand on my own two feet. However, I wouldn't mind a boyfriend - someone to hang out with and have sex with on a regular basis would be nice. And I really do think I'd make a kick-ass girlfriend. I'm honest, independent, not very jealous, I can be funny sometimes, I'm a girly girl (but not TOO girly - I kill spiders and I'm not afraid to get dirty), I like some sports and Tarantino films, I like to cook (and eat), I'm not too clingy or codependent...I'd make a fine girlfriend if given the chance. That movie "He's Just Not That Into You" seems to be the story of my life (the Ginnifer Goodwin plotline). So yeah, I'm gonna stay away from men for a while...they just kinda suck right now.
I'm gonna conclude this post with a few awesome movie quotes:
"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much, but at least that means I still care. Oh! You think you've won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way, but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit, but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."
-Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You
"I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, 'I Want You To Want Me.' Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?"
- Kate, John Tucker Must Die
"Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out out, okay? 'I Want To Hold Your Hand.' The first single. It's effing brilliant, right? That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand."
-Thom, Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes, we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs...how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay from the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy...maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment...you never gave up hope." -Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You
My sister celebrated her 23rd birthday a few days ago. We celebrated by taking a trip down to the city on Saturday evening...we had dinner and drinks at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square, and then played some games at Dave & Buster's. We met up with her friends Theresa, Marisa and Keith as well as my friends Chelsea & Kellie. The wait was something like 2 hours, so we had a couple of drinks and played catch-up at the bar while waiting for a table. The drinks were good, the food was good, and the company was good...all in all, it was a good time. I didn't play too many games at Dave & Buster's, but I helped contribute a bit to my sister's winning so that she could come home with a crazy straw sippy cup and a shot glass.
A few weeks ago, I had applied to some jobs, and a couple of really cool-sounding (but non-paying) internships. Last week, I actually heard from the Paul Taylor Dance Company. I had a quick phone convo with them, which was very positive, and then Tuesday I went down to their office for an in-person interview. I came home 99% positive that I had gotten it...I was told they'd be in touch with me by the end of the week. Yesterday (Wednesday), I got an e-mail from Bill T. Jones/Arnie Zane Dance Company wanting to schedule an interview, and since I hadn't yet heard definitely from Paul Taylor, I e-mailed them back today saying I would be willing to schedule an interview. Approximately 2 hours after sending that e-mail, I get an e-mail from the Paul Taylor people asking me if I can start Wednesday. I'm not positive as to what my next move will be, but I have a feeling I will accept the Paul Taylor internship and do one of two things: a) try and see if I can do both at once or b) see if Bill T. Jones will take me on in May or June when I'm done with Paul Taylor. Oh, and to be clear, these are Arts Administration internships - they like me for my clerical/administrative experience as well as my background in the arts. After first talking to the girl from Paul Taylor, I started looking into part-time retail jobs (Starbucks, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Best Buy, etc.) so that if I got the internship, I'd have a little extra income. The day I went scout out some of these stores, I get a call from the dance studio I applied to work at over the summer - apparently, they didn't hire me because they had too few students and not because they didn't like me. Well, anyways, a teacher job opened up and they need someone to come in once a week and teach a ballet class. The director (Christine) asked me if I'd be interested, and I said hell yeah! It'll only be $25/week, but it's something to do and it'll be fun. So now I will be living the starving artist's lifestyle for the next few months. Hopefully, the job & internship(s?) will lead to more good things...we shall see!
On the romance front...I kinda stopped talking to Boy #1 from Okcupid. I felt like he had some idealized vision of me in his head and that he was putting me up on some pedestal...constantly telling me how wonderful I am and trying to be my knight-in-shining armor/cheerleader. I'm not a princess who needs to be worshipped and I was a little freaked out when he told me he liked me a lot...we hadn't even met yet! I don't need that kind of pressure. I want to be treated like a person - I'm not perfect, and I don't expect anyone else to be. Boy #2 seemed more promising...he was much more laid back, funny, a bit of a smart ass. I felt comfortable talking to him about a lot of stuff and it didn't feel like he was judging me. While a lot of interests differed, we seemed to agree on important stuff. Eventually, we agreed to meet up for coffee (not as a date). He was tall, cute, and funny - I was kind of awkward at the beginning, but once I remembered that I had talked to him before, I was able to warm up and be more talkative. I was under the impression that it went well - I had fun talking to him and the time seemed to fly a bit. We've IM'ed and texted a bit since, but the subject of meeting up again has yet to come up. I don't know if I did or said something to freak him out, but talking to him hasn't been the same recently. I'm under the impression that maybe he's just not that into me, but it's hard to gauge. With guys, I seem to want all or nothing, which is probably why I have so few male friends. I don't have an awful lot of trouble attracting guys, I just can't seem to hold onto them. I'm kind of sweet and trusting, and I've had guys take advantage of this before...they feed me what I want to hear, take what they want, and then leave. I'm just getting sick and tired of the games and the bullshit - if you're not that into me, tell me! Don't string me along because you like the attention. Don't ask me what's wrong, pretend to care and then fail to answer me. Maybe I should just stay away from men for a while...I have yet to find a guy who can give me what I want. I'm not on the hunt for a husband - I've got other priorities and I'm not ready for that yet...maybe someday, but not too soon. I'm focused on my career and I want to stand on my own two feet. However, I wouldn't mind a boyfriend - someone to hang out with and have sex with on a regular basis would be nice. And I really do think I'd make a kick-ass girlfriend. I'm honest, independent, not very jealous, I can be funny sometimes, I'm a girly girl (but not TOO girly - I kill spiders and I'm not afraid to get dirty), I like some sports and Tarantino films, I like to cook (and eat), I'm not too clingy or codependent...I'd make a fine girlfriend if given the chance. That movie "He's Just Not That Into You" seems to be the story of my life (the Ginnifer Goodwin plotline). So yeah, I'm gonna stay away from men for a while...they just kinda suck right now.
I'm gonna conclude this post with a few awesome movie quotes:
"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much, but at least that means I still care. Oh! You think you've won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way, but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit, but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."
-Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You
"I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, 'I Want You To Want Me.' Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?"
- Kate, John Tucker Must Die
"Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out out, okay? 'I Want To Hold Your Hand.' The first single. It's effing brilliant, right? That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand."
-Thom, Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes, we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs...how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay from the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy...maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment...you never gave up hope." -Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Jokes
If I were to ever do stand-up comedy, I'd like to tell this joke:
My dad and I are both getting paid by the government to stay home all day and watch TV. The only difference is, it's perfectly acceptable for him to do that, but not me. When you're over 65, it's called retirement. When you're 25, it's called being an unemployed bum.
If I think of more jokes, I will post them here.
My dad and I are both getting paid by the government to stay home all day and watch TV. The only difference is, it's perfectly acceptable for him to do that, but not me. When you're over 65, it's called retirement. When you're 25, it's called being an unemployed bum.
If I think of more jokes, I will post them here.
Monday, December 28, 2009
The Post-Holiday Blues
So...yeah. It's been a while since the last time I wrote in this thing. Stuff I had said sorta came back and bit me in the ass. The evidence has long been deleted, but the damage was done. The army guy and I are not on speaking terms anymore. (Edit: Ok, yeah, that's kind of a lie. He sent me a message saying he just wants to be friends. And now he randomly texts me every once in a while. I should probably ignore it, but I give terse, polite answers. Either way, "speaking" or not, we are not a couple.) Long story short, we clearly were not looking for the same things. Guess it wasn't meant to be. I kinda saw it coming - it definitely hurt, but I'm bouncing back. I always do. It was fun while it lasted and I wish him all the best in the future. Lessons learned - "Don't count your chickens before they've hatched" and "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Anyways...Nunsense went up in November and it ended up going really, really well. As much as I was stressed out about it, it came together nicely and I had fun doing it. I was kind of handed the role of Sister Leo, but it was one that allowed me to really display what I can do dancing, singing, and acting-wise. I had no problem becoming the character - basically, she was a younger me. Since then, I've auditioned for 2 shows...one was a community theater group production of Rent in Rhinebeck and I was flat-out rejected, the other was a tuition-based conservatory thing in Westchester for teens and twenty-somethings doing another of my dream shows, A Chorus Line. For that one, I made it all the way to final callbacks for the parts I really wanted, only to be offered a part in the cut dancer ensemble. I declined the part, mainly due to the fact that I live an hour away from the theater and can't afford the tuition right now. One day, I will do a production of A Chorus Line and I will get a spot on The Line, mark my words.
About 2 weeks ago, I went to the city with my friend Jess to see Disney's The Princess & the Frog at the Ziegfeld Theater and to the Ultimate Disney Experience at the Roseland Ballroom. Being the ginormous Disney geek that I am, I thought the movie was adorable and the expo was fun...we met all the Disney princesses, including the new princess, Tiana, took a drawing class, and saw some cool stuff from the Disney archives. After all that stuff, we went to the Rockefellar Center area...we went inside St. Patrick's (which is GORGEOUS at Christmas time), poked around the NBC Experience store, then went to the skating rink to see the tree. We took pictures in front of the tree and saw the awesome light-up/musical snowflake display at Saks. One of the few things I bought while on that excursion was at St. Pat's...a prayer card to St. Teresa of Avila that really resonated with me:
"Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things pass away;
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things,
He who has God
Finds he lacks nothing;
God alone suffices."
I've applied to several jobs lately and still, I get no feedback. I asked Santa for a job for Christmas...maybe it'll come after the holidays? I can only hope. I've decided that if I don't find a job in a few months, well fuck it...I'm gonna apply to a bunch of grad school programs and try to do something I might actually like. A master's degree would hopefully make me stand out in a bunch of resumes.
On the romance front...I've been talking to 2 guys I met online. At http://www.okcupid.com/, of all places. I joined that site as a joke like 5 years when I was in college. I liked it mostly for the fun personality quizzes. Now, most of the guys that have messaged me on this site before were either extremely nerdy or disgusting perverts, so I'm not normally inclined to actually answer most of the messages that I get. I was on the verge of cancelling my membership when I got messages from these 2 guys who actually seem decent. Both are very similar to me, but in different ways. One is a part-time freelance writing teacher with an English degree who also acts & sings on the side. He seems nice so far, but there's something about him that annoys me a bit. He seems into me and is eager to meet me in person, but I don't know how I feel about him yet. The other guy feels my pain about the job situation, as he has a non-paying writing internship and can't find a job, either. He is sympathetic and funny and we seem to have similar personalities. He's more laid-back and has not even brought up meeting up in person yet. I don't know. We shall see how it goes.
I think I have the post-holiday blues or something. I've been kind of sad lately. I can't even really explain why. It could be the job thing, but it also could be that I feel isolated. It doesn't help that I don't get out much...can't really afford to right now. I hardly see my friends anymore and it feels like we're starting to grow apart, especially my college buddies. I know this stuff happens, but I don't wanna let it! Binghamton buddies, expect phone calls in the next few days, I'd like to do some catching up.
Sadly, I've been eating my feelings lately. I've gained some weight back and I feel like crap. I don't need a scale to know - my pants are just barely fitting me. As soon as the holidays are over, I'm hitting the gym - hard. Boy, am I glad the holidays only come once a year!
On the bright side, my sis and I got some kick-ass presents for Christmas - a Nintendo Wii system, Wii Fit, a Band Hero kit (the game, plus drums, guitar and microphone), and The Beatles Rock Band game. I love to sing and do fairly well (with songs I know, anyway), and with some practice, I won't suck at the drums. Been too scared to pick up the guitar, but that will come soon enough. And don't even get me started on the Wii Fit...I haven't set foot on it yet, but I know for a fact that it will definitely yell at me for being overweight.
I can't wait for 2010...mostly because 2009 (with the exception of a few awesome things) was one of the crappiest years of my life. I'm a fan of the whole symbollic new year, new start thing. Wipe the slate clean and start over again. First goal of the year: find a job and/or apply to grad school. Getting back into dance classes, voice lessons, and moving out of my parents' house to follow. As for love...I'm not gonna actively go looking for it. If it finds me, so be it. If it doesn't, that's ok. And my experiences with guys this year have made me realize that maybe perhaps I'm not as ready to settle down as I thought I was. I wanna be able to stand on my own two feet for a while. I may just start praying again...it couldn't hurt.
Anyways...Nunsense went up in November and it ended up going really, really well. As much as I was stressed out about it, it came together nicely and I had fun doing it. I was kind of handed the role of Sister Leo, but it was one that allowed me to really display what I can do dancing, singing, and acting-wise. I had no problem becoming the character - basically, she was a younger me. Since then, I've auditioned for 2 shows...one was a community theater group production of Rent in Rhinebeck and I was flat-out rejected, the other was a tuition-based conservatory thing in Westchester for teens and twenty-somethings doing another of my dream shows, A Chorus Line. For that one, I made it all the way to final callbacks for the parts I really wanted, only to be offered a part in the cut dancer ensemble. I declined the part, mainly due to the fact that I live an hour away from the theater and can't afford the tuition right now. One day, I will do a production of A Chorus Line and I will get a spot on The Line, mark my words.
About 2 weeks ago, I went to the city with my friend Jess to see Disney's The Princess & the Frog at the Ziegfeld Theater and to the Ultimate Disney Experience at the Roseland Ballroom. Being the ginormous Disney geek that I am, I thought the movie was adorable and the expo was fun...we met all the Disney princesses, including the new princess, Tiana, took a drawing class, and saw some cool stuff from the Disney archives. After all that stuff, we went to the Rockefellar Center area...we went inside St. Patrick's (which is GORGEOUS at Christmas time), poked around the NBC Experience store, then went to the skating rink to see the tree. We took pictures in front of the tree and saw the awesome light-up/musical snowflake display at Saks. One of the few things I bought while on that excursion was at St. Pat's...a prayer card to St. Teresa of Avila that really resonated with me:
"Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things pass away;
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things,
He who has God
Finds he lacks nothing;
God alone suffices."
I've applied to several jobs lately and still, I get no feedback. I asked Santa for a job for Christmas...maybe it'll come after the holidays? I can only hope. I've decided that if I don't find a job in a few months, well fuck it...I'm gonna apply to a bunch of grad school programs and try to do something I might actually like. A master's degree would hopefully make me stand out in a bunch of resumes.
On the romance front...I've been talking to 2 guys I met online. At http://www.okcupid.com/, of all places. I joined that site as a joke like 5 years when I was in college. I liked it mostly for the fun personality quizzes. Now, most of the guys that have messaged me on this site before were either extremely nerdy or disgusting perverts, so I'm not normally inclined to actually answer most of the messages that I get. I was on the verge of cancelling my membership when I got messages from these 2 guys who actually seem decent. Both are very similar to me, but in different ways. One is a part-time freelance writing teacher with an English degree who also acts & sings on the side. He seems nice so far, but there's something about him that annoys me a bit. He seems into me and is eager to meet me in person, but I don't know how I feel about him yet. The other guy feels my pain about the job situation, as he has a non-paying writing internship and can't find a job, either. He is sympathetic and funny and we seem to have similar personalities. He's more laid-back and has not even brought up meeting up in person yet. I don't know. We shall see how it goes.
I think I have the post-holiday blues or something. I've been kind of sad lately. I can't even really explain why. It could be the job thing, but it also could be that I feel isolated. It doesn't help that I don't get out much...can't really afford to right now. I hardly see my friends anymore and it feels like we're starting to grow apart, especially my college buddies. I know this stuff happens, but I don't wanna let it! Binghamton buddies, expect phone calls in the next few days, I'd like to do some catching up.
Sadly, I've been eating my feelings lately. I've gained some weight back and I feel like crap. I don't need a scale to know - my pants are just barely fitting me. As soon as the holidays are over, I'm hitting the gym - hard. Boy, am I glad the holidays only come once a year!
On the bright side, my sis and I got some kick-ass presents for Christmas - a Nintendo Wii system, Wii Fit, a Band Hero kit (the game, plus drums, guitar and microphone), and The Beatles Rock Band game. I love to sing and do fairly well (with songs I know, anyway), and with some practice, I won't suck at the drums. Been too scared to pick up the guitar, but that will come soon enough. And don't even get me started on the Wii Fit...I haven't set foot on it yet, but I know for a fact that it will definitely yell at me for being overweight.
I can't wait for 2010...mostly because 2009 (with the exception of a few awesome things) was one of the crappiest years of my life. I'm a fan of the whole symbollic new year, new start thing. Wipe the slate clean and start over again. First goal of the year: find a job and/or apply to grad school. Getting back into dance classes, voice lessons, and moving out of my parents' house to follow. As for love...I'm not gonna actively go looking for it. If it finds me, so be it. If it doesn't, that's ok. And my experiences with guys this year have made me realize that maybe perhaps I'm not as ready to settle down as I thought I was. I wanna be able to stand on my own two feet for a while. I may just start praying again...it couldn't hurt.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it...sort of.
I just realized I haven't written in here in a while, and I think it was because for a little while there, I wasn't doing anything worth writing about. But anyways, things have changed.
The director of one of the theater groups I have worked with in the past called me up earlier this month and asked me if I would be willing to co-choreograph the next show they were putting on, Nunsense: The Mega-Musical. Being unemployed and bored out of my mind, I said yes. I had to attend auditions and had to sit through 2 days of a bunch of people singing (a la American Idol) and reading for parts. In a way, it was a pain in the ass, having to sit there for so many hours, but on the other hand, it was kinda cool actually having a say in who got cast in the show. Having to be there anyway, I was talked into auditioning myself...I sang "Holding Out For A Hero" from Footloose. I was asked to get up and read with the others a few times, mostly for the roles of Sister Hubert and Sister Leo (the one I actually wanted if cast). Since I was comfortable with the people there, I wasn't very nervous and did fairly well. I'm not trying to brag by saying this, but with this particular group, I feel like a bit like big fish in a little pond and I had been trying to branch outside the comfort zone and get into more competitive and well-known theater groups. Long story short, I didn't have much competition - I got the role I wanted, and it's one of the leads. I'm the novice Sister Leo, who wants to become the world's first nun-ballerina. With only 6 weeks of rehearsal to pull this off, I'm spending a good chunk of my own free time learning the songs and choreographing numbers. (And this week, we're gonna start blocking so I'll hafta start learning lines, too!) It's all a bit overwhelming and my head hurts just thinking about it. But one way or another, it'll all get done and come together - it always does. The one unfortunate part about this is that it's not a paying gig - it's community theater, but at least it's something to keep me busy. Oh, shameless plug - the website has all the info if you'd like to come check out the show: http://www.stpny.com
Speaking of paying gigs...I sent my headshot and performing resume to a local Hudson Valley casting company not expecting any results, and I was called to be an extra in a movie last week. It was partly exciting (I had never done extra work before) and partly boring (it's a lot of hurry up and wait). All I was told is that the movie was called "Restoring Grace,"that it was filming in Irvington (about an hour away from where I live), and that I would be paid $100 cash for the day. Let me tell you, being an actor (especially a background actor) is harder than it looks. It was an outdoor shoot and it was kinda cold - thankfully, we were able to stay inside when not being used and wear warm jackets and gloves in between takes. I also got a bit of sunburn from being outside around noon when the sun was high, in addition to chafing on my neck from a jacket the wardrobe people made me wear as part of my outfit. Also, the shoes I picked were not the most comfortable, so by the end of the 11 hour day, my feet were swollen. Thankfully, I was well-fed and the people I had to interact with were all very nice. I didn't meet any new BFF's, but it wasn't terrible by any means - just tiring. Oh, and I ended up with $125 instead of $100, which was nice. The weirdest part though? It turned out to be a German made-for-TV movie (based on a fluffy romance novel) that will probably never be shown in the U.S.
The other night, I had a bit of an epiphany - I decided that my heart's desire (what I want more than ANYTHING in the world) is to move to New York City and simultaneously pursue a Master's degree in Arts Administration (NYU or Columbia, perhaps?) and a professional dance/singing/acting career. Dance/Voice/Acting classes and auditions during the day, school at night, perhaps stick a really cool work-study job or internship in there somewhere...but my sister brought me back to earth and said "but how are you gonna pay for it?" Truthfully, I haven't thought about it that far...I was thinking maybe financial aid or scholarships??? I'm thinking about just applying and then see what happens and go from there. It's a Catch-22 in a way...I can't find a job with just a Bachelor's degree, so I want to go to grad school to get my Master's which will hopefully give my resume a boost and help me get into the industry I want to pursue...but I can't pay for my master's without money from a job. It's a horrible and vicious cycle. Gaaaaah. I would've been better off had I figured this out right after college and not now. I don't know....like I said, I'm just gonna apply and see what happens. Que sera sera.
The love life? Not so good. Haven't heard anything from army boy in over a month. No letter, no text, no phone call, no e-mail, no nothing. I'm hoping this doesn't mean he's decided I'm crazy and that he'll never speak to me again....I REALLY liked him and I thought he liked me too. If I don't hear from him in the next few weeks, I'm just gonna forget about it and move on, even though I know it's gonna hurt. I'll wait a little longer, but I'm not waiting forever. :(
I'm sick of being poor and bored and semi-nocturnal. I'm sick of hearing about people I grew up with all making good money in awesome careers, getting married, having babies, and moving on with life while I'm stuck here at home in this stagnant state. I hope things change for me soon...it's getting harder and harder to be patient and positive.
The director of one of the theater groups I have worked with in the past called me up earlier this month and asked me if I would be willing to co-choreograph the next show they were putting on, Nunsense: The Mega-Musical. Being unemployed and bored out of my mind, I said yes. I had to attend auditions and had to sit through 2 days of a bunch of people singing (a la American Idol) and reading for parts. In a way, it was a pain in the ass, having to sit there for so many hours, but on the other hand, it was kinda cool actually having a say in who got cast in the show. Having to be there anyway, I was talked into auditioning myself...I sang "Holding Out For A Hero" from Footloose. I was asked to get up and read with the others a few times, mostly for the roles of Sister Hubert and Sister Leo (the one I actually wanted if cast). Since I was comfortable with the people there, I wasn't very nervous and did fairly well. I'm not trying to brag by saying this, but with this particular group, I feel like a bit like big fish in a little pond and I had been trying to branch outside the comfort zone and get into more competitive and well-known theater groups. Long story short, I didn't have much competition - I got the role I wanted, and it's one of the leads. I'm the novice Sister Leo, who wants to become the world's first nun-ballerina. With only 6 weeks of rehearsal to pull this off, I'm spending a good chunk of my own free time learning the songs and choreographing numbers. (And this week, we're gonna start blocking so I'll hafta start learning lines, too!) It's all a bit overwhelming and my head hurts just thinking about it. But one way or another, it'll all get done and come together - it always does. The one unfortunate part about this is that it's not a paying gig - it's community theater, but at least it's something to keep me busy. Oh, shameless plug - the website has all the info if you'd like to come check out the show: http://www.stpny.com
Speaking of paying gigs...I sent my headshot and performing resume to a local Hudson Valley casting company not expecting any results, and I was called to be an extra in a movie last week. It was partly exciting (I had never done extra work before) and partly boring (it's a lot of hurry up and wait). All I was told is that the movie was called "Restoring Grace,"that it was filming in Irvington (about an hour away from where I live), and that I would be paid $100 cash for the day. Let me tell you, being an actor (especially a background actor) is harder than it looks. It was an outdoor shoot and it was kinda cold - thankfully, we were able to stay inside when not being used and wear warm jackets and gloves in between takes. I also got a bit of sunburn from being outside around noon when the sun was high, in addition to chafing on my neck from a jacket the wardrobe people made me wear as part of my outfit. Also, the shoes I picked were not the most comfortable, so by the end of the 11 hour day, my feet were swollen. Thankfully, I was well-fed and the people I had to interact with were all very nice. I didn't meet any new BFF's, but it wasn't terrible by any means - just tiring. Oh, and I ended up with $125 instead of $100, which was nice. The weirdest part though? It turned out to be a German made-for-TV movie (based on a fluffy romance novel) that will probably never be shown in the U.S.
The other night, I had a bit of an epiphany - I decided that my heart's desire (what I want more than ANYTHING in the world) is to move to New York City and simultaneously pursue a Master's degree in Arts Administration (NYU or Columbia, perhaps?) and a professional dance/singing/acting career. Dance/Voice/Acting classes and auditions during the day, school at night, perhaps stick a really cool work-study job or internship in there somewhere...but my sister brought me back to earth and said "but how are you gonna pay for it?" Truthfully, I haven't thought about it that far...I was thinking maybe financial aid or scholarships??? I'm thinking about just applying and then see what happens and go from there. It's a Catch-22 in a way...I can't find a job with just a Bachelor's degree, so I want to go to grad school to get my Master's which will hopefully give my resume a boost and help me get into the industry I want to pursue...but I can't pay for my master's without money from a job. It's a horrible and vicious cycle. Gaaaaah. I would've been better off had I figured this out right after college and not now. I don't know....like I said, I'm just gonna apply and see what happens. Que sera sera.
The love life? Not so good. Haven't heard anything from army boy in over a month. No letter, no text, no phone call, no e-mail, no nothing. I'm hoping this doesn't mean he's decided I'm crazy and that he'll never speak to me again....I REALLY liked him and I thought he liked me too. If I don't hear from him in the next few weeks, I'm just gonna forget about it and move on, even though I know it's gonna hurt. I'll wait a little longer, but I'm not waiting forever. :(
I'm sick of being poor and bored and semi-nocturnal. I'm sick of hearing about people I grew up with all making good money in awesome careers, getting married, having babies, and moving on with life while I'm stuck here at home in this stagnant state. I hope things change for me soon...it's getting harder and harder to be patient and positive.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Holding out for a hero...and a job.
After a lot of nagging on my mom's part, I went and got my hair cut again this morning...I am once more sporting the chin-length bob. Up until a few months ago, I never thought I'd like having short hair for a long period of time...but I'm loving it! The only downside? I can't put it up in twists, rolls, and braids like I could when I had long hair. Other than that, it's great! My former neighbor, Jeralyn is getting married on Saturday and my sister and I are attending the wedding along with my parents. Therefore, my mom's gonna go batshit crazy making sure we all look perfect for family photos. It should be a good time...I just hope there's an open bar.
So, I definitely did not get the dance teacher job I was up for. They held a grand opening for the new studio in Fishkill over the weekend. I never heard a word one way or the other from the girls who run the studio...no offense, but that's kind of rude and classless. I schlepped all the way down to Peekskill to give a trial class for them...the least they could've done was send me a rejection e-mail or phone call. Things are still not looking so good on the job front...I applied to a few more publishing jobs I found on Hot Jobs and even filled out an online application for secretary/receptionist jobs on the HealthQuest website. And I haven't heard a thing from anyone. Grrr. Does anybody wanna hire me???? My talents/skills include dancing, singing, acting, choreographing, faxing, copying, answering phones, making coffee, making smoothies, writing, editing, proofreading, blogging, making mixed CD's, and a bunch of other stuff I can't think of at the moment.
I had a pretty good week last week, other than that. Wednesday I went to the Dutchess County Fair with Dad & Lauren where we saw a lot of animals and ate like fat kids, Thursday I saw Jessica in Urinetown: The Musical...it was very different than most musicals I've seen before - very tongue-in-cheek and she was fabulous in it, Friday was Game Night...we had a large group of 14 so we were able to play "Mafia" and "Psychiatrist" in addition to Apples to Apples and Scattergories. On Saturday, I saw Amanda in "Like We Wasn't People," and she was awesome...she has quite the talent for playing the dark, dramatic roles and this one in particular was intense. Sunday was the Wine Festival at Bethel Woods - we brought home 6 bottles of our favorite wines! It was a good time. We'll probably be going to the Food & Wine Fest at the Dutchess County Fairgrounds in 2 weeks.
Oh, also on Thursday, I received some good stuff in the mail - Kellie was kind enough to send me the 2nd half of season 5 and all of season 6 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and another letter. We'll see what happens.
So, I definitely did not get the dance teacher job I was up for. They held a grand opening for the new studio in Fishkill over the weekend. I never heard a word one way or the other from the girls who run the studio...no offense, but that's kind of rude and classless. I schlepped all the way down to Peekskill to give a trial class for them...the least they could've done was send me a rejection e-mail or phone call. Things are still not looking so good on the job front...I applied to a few more publishing jobs I found on Hot Jobs and even filled out an online application for secretary/receptionist jobs on the HealthQuest website. And I haven't heard a thing from anyone. Grrr. Does anybody wanna hire me???? My talents/skills include dancing, singing, acting, choreographing, faxing, copying, answering phones, making coffee, making smoothies, writing, editing, proofreading, blogging, making mixed CD's, and a bunch of other stuff I can't think of at the moment.
I had a pretty good week last week, other than that. Wednesday I went to the Dutchess County Fair with Dad & Lauren where we saw a lot of animals and ate like fat kids, Thursday I saw Jessica in Urinetown: The Musical...it was very different than most musicals I've seen before - very tongue-in-cheek and she was fabulous in it, Friday was Game Night...we had a large group of 14 so we were able to play "Mafia" and "Psychiatrist" in addition to Apples to Apples and Scattergories. On Saturday, I saw Amanda in "Like We Wasn't People," and she was awesome...she has quite the talent for playing the dark, dramatic roles and this one in particular was intense. Sunday was the Wine Festival at Bethel Woods - we brought home 6 bottles of our favorite wines! It was a good time. We'll probably be going to the Food & Wine Fest at the Dutchess County Fairgrounds in 2 weeks.
Oh, also on Thursday, I received some good stuff in the mail - Kellie was kind enough to send me the 2nd half of season 5 and all of season 6 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and another letter. We'll see what happens.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
A Little Bit Depressed and A Lot Crazy
Thursday, I drove down to Peekskill to give a trial ballet class – I was up for a part-time dance teacher position. I thought it went well; I ended up instead of teaching an entire class doing a half-hour private lesson for one kid. So far, I haven’t heard anything…I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but we shall see.
I’m feeling kind of lost right now (not to mention useless and unemployable)…do I keep at it applying to jobs and going on auditions? Do I go to grad school? And if I do, what do I study? Should I sell out and get my masters in something marketable like Teaching, Business, or medicine-related like I’ve seen other people do? Or do I get an MFA in something I love like Arts Journalism, Dance Performance/Choreography, Musical Theater or (if I wanna be an uber nerd, I looked it up, it exists) get a Ph.D. in Dance History and risk having yet another hard time finding a job? And no, I don’t expect anyone to have the answers to my crazy questions. I’m just venting my frustration. I know the job market is bad, worst it's been in years, but can't a girl get a fuckin' break?
Blah...oh, and another problem...little activity = LOTS of eating and a screwed up sleep schedule.
You're all probably thinking "what happened to Lindsay's sunny outlook and positive attitude?" You can only go for so long before the depressing thoughts start seeping in and taking over.
The only solutions I have are eating ice cream and watching movies...they always make me feel better...too bad the effects are only temporary.
I’m feeling kind of lost right now (not to mention useless and unemployable)…do I keep at it applying to jobs and going on auditions? Do I go to grad school? And if I do, what do I study? Should I sell out and get my masters in something marketable like Teaching, Business, or medicine-related like I’ve seen other people do? Or do I get an MFA in something I love like Arts Journalism, Dance Performance/Choreography, Musical Theater or (if I wanna be an uber nerd, I looked it up, it exists) get a Ph.D. in Dance History and risk having yet another hard time finding a job? And no, I don’t expect anyone to have the answers to my crazy questions. I’m just venting my frustration. I know the job market is bad, worst it's been in years, but can't a girl get a fuckin' break?
Blah...oh, and another problem...little activity = LOTS of eating and a screwed up sleep schedule.
You're all probably thinking "what happened to Lindsay's sunny outlook and positive attitude?" You can only go for so long before the depressing thoughts start seeping in and taking over.
The only solutions I have are eating ice cream and watching movies...they always make me feel better...too bad the effects are only temporary.
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